Having a double life brings consequences; from mistrust to a drop in personal image. Why is this happening? How to recognize it? Let’s see.
people with double life They are those who have a second family or another relationship without anyone suspecting it. It is a phenomenon that is linked to emotional immaturity, affective deficiencies and low self-esteem. What are its consequences?
The truth of all is that discovering this type of situation brings with it many doubts for those involved. “Didn’t he have everything to be happy?” “Didn’t I do enough?”… There are several elements involved and we review them below.
What does it mean to have a double life?
We can think of the idea of a double life with an image that on the façade is one thing, but on the back, another. Something like the two sides of a coin.
Although it is associated with relationships and infidelity that is committed, behaviors linked to problematic consumption, addictions or illegal activities must also be considered.
For example, people who claim to be working late, but are actually at the casino. Or that they claim to get their salary doing certain work, which later turns out to be an illegal business.
Do you remember the Breaking Bad series? The protagonist could be a perfect sample of a person with a double life.
Why does a person have a double life?
Try to find a cause or a list of typical causes check list about the motives does not make much sense, since it is omitting the weight that particular experiences have in a person’s biography. Now, from this clarification and with certain tweezers, the following reasons are usually mentioned.
personal crises
Many problematic adventures or activities (such as gambling addiction) tend to come hand in hand with personal or vital crises, in which it is necessary to evade in order to forget. That is, it is a Lack of more adequate resources for coping with conflicts.
sensation seeking
As the other side of the previous point, the search for sensations or feeling adrenaline also motivate people with a double life. Even as it is something that involves some risk, many take it as a way to regain self-confidence or the feeling of an “almighty self.”
Desire
The double life —when it occurs as a couple— is also associated with desire. Commitment involves positively and proactively choosing to be with another person, but that does not mean that we stop being desiring subjects.
Communication problems
Having difficulties in communication, the inability to set limits and respond to more impulsive patterns of behavior, without having an eye on future consequences
Have you ever heard of someone who left obvious clues to be found out about infidelity? It could well be that impossibility of ‘whitewashing’ what is happening.
relationship models
That is, the models of couples and relationships that said person knows and has had as references. Of course, that this It does not mean that people whose parents have been unfaithful “are doomed” to repeat the same thing.
It is only a piece of information that can be taken into account to explore precisely what values or what models of relationships could have been internalized.
Characteristics of people with a double life
Regarding the characteristics, one must be very careful with generalizations and with the identikit. Most of the time it is in the uniqueness of people and their relationships that explain the reasons. However, we can mention some characteristics:
- Shows unable to make a decision about their feelings; recognize what happens to them and take charge of it. For this reason, they often opt for this double life, which works as an escape from what is really happening in the foreground.
- They are people unable to exercise affective responsibilitywhich involves recognizing that one’s own actions have consequences for others.
- On the other hand, the more permanent the double life, the the more emotionally cold and distant they become. Thus, they begin to live in a kind of dissociation, as empathy, ethics and even their own self-care fall asleep. It’s like a loss of record of what’s being done, and because of that, they’re able to move on. They even come to convince themselves that it is not that serious.
However, in these cases the simple rule of three does not work. It may be that they are emotionally anesthetized when carrying out certain activities, but it is also possible that, upon returning home, people are more affectionate, eloquent and even seem positive and committed.
Perhaps we were sometimes surprised with “that husband who was the most exemplary of all, he took care of his home, his children, he was affectionate”.
Consequences of a double life
We can recognize two main consequences. The loss of trust in the bond, which can even transcend the scope of the couple to affect the image that the family has of said person; and also the damage and discomfort that it causes in said links. Let’s see in detail.
Mistrust: loss of value of the word
Once, for a while or permanently… no matter how often an infidelity has been, the impact and devastating effect it causes on trust is the same.
Doubt has a “tide-like” effect on other aspects of the relationshipand even in other areas of life. “I don’t recognize you”, “I don’t know who I was with these years”… are some of the phrases they hear from their partners.
Suffering: not only the couple is affected
First, it might be thought that after discovering the person who leads a double life, the couple breaks up, just like that. However, it is more complex than that.
On the one hand, another person will be affected, and with it their self-esteem. Although it may have great strength, doubts such as: why didn’t you take care of me?, why didn’t you prioritize me? The consequences are sometimes so long term that there is a difficulty in establishing relationships in the future.
On the other hand, when there is a family involved and an infidelity is committed, it is not possible to understand right off the bat that this does not imply the lack of love for the children. At first —and especially if they are not yet adults— it is usually understood as something personal, even more so if the suffering of the other parent is evident.
Nor should we forget the extended family. Especially when it comes to a relationship of years, other family members are affected.
Thus, a roller coaster of emotions is experienced, ranging from anger, guilt, self-responsibility, among others. These are presented in a loop permanente, until the situation can be processed, generally with help.
Finally, it is necessary to mention that when the double life involves a third person, if they have become romantically involved, they will also suffer collateral damage.
Sooner or later, the double life will bring pain
It is important to take into account how stereotypes and gender roles play a role. On many occasions, to justify the double life, arguments such as “men are like that”, “she would too”, “It is understandable that he looks outside for what he cannot find at home”etc.
You have to be very careful with this operation in a double sense. On the one hand, because the yardstick with which infidelity is measured is not the same and, many times, these moral judgments end up clouding a situation in which only two should intervene.
“Surely he cheated on her because she dedicated herself a lot to her children”usually say some relatives who decide to take sides.
Likewise, the personal area that is impacted is not the same. Men tend to see their manhood affected and women their self-esteem. That is to say, gender also appears as a key for reading and interpretation.
These arguments are a general shelter for a situation that is very particular. The difficulty of recognizing that something is happening, on a personal level or on a couple’s level, obstructs any possibility of seeking a solution, be it continuing or ending the relationship.
In any case, we can always feel dissatisfied and may not like something, but not acknowledging or saying so will sooner or later hurt the people involved.
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