Dare to talk about it. Dare to say the pain of having lost a baby. This is the awareness message launched on the occasion of the World Day of Perinatal Grief, October 15. Dare, because the subject is taboo.
“When I lost my little Maya at six months pregnant, it was very difficult to talk about it, says Julie, mother of three children, two of whom are deceased. My entourage behaved as if nothing had happened. We were in such denial that when I returned from maternity leave, my colleagues asked me, basically, if I had had a good vacation. »
The death of these babies, between 22 weeks of amenorrhea (or from 500 g) and seven days after birth, according to the WHO, is often experienced in loneliness and guilt. “If a child dies, everyone agrees it’s a tragedy, but for a baby who was stillborn or who didn’t live long, it’s considered not that serious, indignant Larry, father of a boy and a little girl who died ten days after his birth. Now a volunteer with the Palliative Care and Maternity Support Association (Spama), this 34-year-old dad admits having had a period “very aggressive” towards those around him who did not understand what he was going through.
A need for recognition
“The loss of a baby reverses the order of the generations and it is something unthinkableanalyzes Isabelle de Mézerac, founder of Spama. Society already has a hard time talking about death, so for a baby it’s even more inconceivable. » Julie, confronted with the loss of a second child at six months of pregnancy and a miscarriage at three months, reminds us that there are no words to designate bereaved parents.
This 38-year-old Parisian, however, recognizes ” advances “. Since December 6, 2021, a law, which updates a 2009 circular, authorizes parents to declare their deceased baby (after 15 weeks of amenorrhea) in the civil registry with the family name. Another text (from 1is June 2020) also provides bereavement leave for the death of a child to the parents of a baby who died in utero.
“It is an extremely important recognition, emphasizes Marie-José Soubieux, child psychiatrist and author of Perinatal bereavement and support group for mothers (Eres, 2022). Parents can also organize funerals, collective or individual. Before 2009, mothers told me that their babyleft with the hospital waste. »
The members of the nursing staff are also better trained, recognizes Julie, who has become a volunteer with the Petite Émilie association. “When I gave birth, the midwife said to me: ‘It was not a real delivery, don’t think about it anymore.’She wanted to project me towards something happier, but I needed people to recognize what I was going through. »
Thousands of social media posts
Many parents find comfort in associations that offer secure forums and self-help groups. “with trained volunteers”, says Isabelle de Mézerac. But more and more people are also expressing their suffering on social networks, like Julie who created the Instagram account “À nos étoiles”. With thousands of publications under the hashtag #mourningperinatal, Instagram, Facebook or TikTok have become the receptacle of the pain of parents, some of whom even publish photos of their deceased child.
“This release responds to society’s indifference to perinatal bereavement.analyzes Marie-José Soubieux. I am divided on the interest of publishing photos, but this approach is a desperate cry that reflects great suffering and great loneliness. »
On the occasion of the world day of October 15, the association SPAMA also offers bereaved parents to publish photos on social networks. Not of their baby, but of a lit candle that pays tribute to them with the hashtag “Vague de lumière”.
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Lyrics – Marion, 32 years old
“My first child, Lenny, passed away in 2013, 25 days after he was born. He was born a month premature with a deformed rib cage and bent fingers. After a battery of tests, the doctors still didn’t know what he had and told us to let him go on his own. We accepted but not everything went as planned. Our baby clung to life. And for four days we lived through an unimaginable situation where we were waiting for his death. We finally helped him go and he died in my arms. We left the hospital devastated, never having seen a psychologist. »