Positive education and non-violent communication: beware of the risk of manipulation

For the little ones as well as for adults, personal development is in fashion. Whether it’s educating your child through the principles of positive education or living in society using non-violent communication, all of these principles seem to be common sense. But, in practice, you have to know how to ask yourself the right questions and deal with the risks of manipulation. A handy little guide to finding your way around.

The limits of positive education

“Show empathy for your child”, “help him through his emotional storms by encouraging him to express what he feels”, “make sure to leave him space and freedom “… These parents followed to the letter the principles of positive education praised in the – multiple – specialized works, but nevertheless come up against a failure. “More and more of them are scrolling through my office to ask for help,” sighs psychotherapist Didier Pleux. Obsessed with this idea of benevolence and the fear of hurting their offspring, they often end up breaking down, sometimes even letting themselves go with a slap or a spanking, thus obtaining the opposite effect of what they were looking for. is dramatic!” continues the author of the book How to escape the dictatorship of the reptilian brain (Odile Jacob, 2021) in which he recalls that living consists of having to accept frameworks, constraints and limits. “I totally adhere to the basic principles of positive education developed in the Anglo-Saxon world. The problem is that in France, the fundamentals of this method are now totally misguided”, specifies the practitioner.

In France, there are countless websites, manuals and guides devoted to this educational trend. Books by pediatrician Catherine Gueguen that promise harmony and happiness (Small and big questions for a happy childhood, Happy to learn at school, Living happily with your child) tear off. The other figurehead being the psychotherapist Isabelle Filliozat. His bestseller I have tried everything !, published in 2011, has sold nearly 400,000 copies and has been translated into 14 languages. This prolific author has just released a new book, Understand and educate your child (Marabout 2022), taking up the advice given in workshops for worried parents, based on his method and given throughout the territory. “It’s not a fashion effect. The foundations of positive education were laid in 1920, in Vienna, by the psychoanalyst Alfred Adler, explains Isabelle Filliozat. These recommendations were then taken up and popularized by the Council of the ‘Europe alerted by too many cases of child abuse.’ The central idea? Develop a parenting that meets the needs of the child without using violence. A principle of common sense, a priori laudable and indisputable.

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It remains to be seen what is behind the term “violence”. For some promoters of this form of benevolent education, the range is wide: a simple call to order or a small ordinary frustration is sometimes raised to the rank of mistreatment or bullying. What increases the guilt of the parents. Like Clarisse, this thirty-two-year-old, terrified at the idea of letting her child cry for a few minutes while he falls asleep. “From what I’ve read, it can cause neurological damage. As a result, as soon as he calls me, I rush. Which gives rise to heated discussions with my husband!” she confides. Most of these works take refuge behind the backing of neuroscience. “Today, thanks to research, we know that certain behaviors or phrases can have very concrete effects on the brain. I regret that part of the French psychoanalytic community refuses to look into this work”, says Isabelle Filliozat . While the detractors of this method speak of “false scientific endorsement” and denounce the interpretations or dangerous shortcuts that are developed in certain positive education works.

For child psychiatrist Stéphane Clerget, this trend which encourages parents to be more attentive to their offspring remains beneficial. “As long as we don’t forget that our offspring is not our equal but a minor under our responsibility”, he warns in turn. Before pointing out another danger: “A child overcrowded and protected from everything will not be equipped to defend himself later against the difficulties of the outside world or to accept certain rules of life in society.” This doctor is also wary of the great dogmas erected in these specialized manuals, such as the importance of never raising your voice. “In some Mediterranean families, for example, we may be used to talking loudly, to having lively exchanges. If the parents suddenly start whispering, the child will not understand anything, or even worry about what sudden change in behavior”, explains Stéphane Clerget who insists on the importance of having a coherent attitude and maintaining a form of spontaneity. “We also have the right to be tired or annoyed and to say so. Expressing our own emotions does not make us bad parents”, recalls the child psychiatrist. Before launching: “What if we learned to trust each other again?” A.H

Non-violent communication: a risk of manipulation

Don’t say “You’re always late, it’s really unbearable”. But rather: “We had an appointment at 9 a.m. and you arrived at 9:20 a.m. I am upset because I need punctuality to organize myself. When we have an appointment, I ask you to inform me of everything potential delay so that I can adjust accordingly.”* Obviously, it’s a bit long and difficult to pronounce, especially if one finds oneself under the influence of irritation. But this is indeed the objective of non-violent communication: to defuse conflicts, to develop a quality relationship with others.

The method was invented in the late 1960s by an American psychologist, Marshall B. Rosenberg. It is based on four rules. First, describe a situation in terms of a shareable observation. Then, express the feelings felt in the face of this situation. Then clarify the needs at the source of these feelings. Finally, it is advisable to formulate a request that is feasible, precise and stated positively. Easy to present but more complex to put into practice on a daily basis, this personal development technique, which is also a registered trademark, today generates a substantial offer of books, conferences, online seminars or internships.

In itself, nonviolent communication carries little risk. “It is the basis of interpersonal psychotherapy, which makes it possible to contain aggressiveness”, confirms Dr Guillaume Fond, psychiatrist at the Public Assistance – Hospitals of Marseille. His invention would even have been good: “In business or in education, these precepts were able to facilitate the questioning of the excessive authoritarianism that prevailed in the 1950s and 1960s”, recognizes the philosopher Julia de Funès, while by criticizing the current excesses: “We end up not knowing how to address others, and we end up with conventional, conformist phrases. In business especially, a managerial newspeak has emerged, which everyone uses to be sure of make no mistake. This amounts to erasing any singularity.”

For its part, the Interministerial Mission for Vigilance and the Fight against Sectarian Abuses (Miviludes) indicates that it has never yet received complaints about the French training organization linked to the “Centre for Non-Violent Communication”, a structure international organization which takes advantage of Marshall Rosenberg. Miviludes experts, however, call for caution vis-à-vis “coaches and self-proclaimed specialists whose qualifications have not been checked”: “As often, it is not so much the methods themselves as the ‘intention of those who teach them who pose a problem,’ they note after receiving three reports last year. “Under the cover of non-violent communication, people can gain influence over an individual or a group, and abuse this power,” they note.

In their sights in particular, structures that target the youngest, through schools, teachers or parents, promising personal fulfillment and control of emotions: “Many of the practices offered, including meditation, massages between schoolchildren or non-violent communication, are not based on certified qualifications and can induce amateurism on the part of instructors.” Especially since the results announced have never been the subject of scientific studies, and present as only references often unverifiable testimonies… S.B