“If you can’t disappoint, you can’t be a free person,” says psychologist Stefanie Stahl. She wrote a bestseller with “The child in you must find a home” and developed a problem-solving structure for relationship problems and psychological conflicts. She explains why it is so important to realize that you are being controlled by your shadow child.
WORLD: Some people banish anger or other emotions entirely from their lives. They split off certain feelings from themselves by simply not allowing them any more. This behavior also puts a strain on our relationships, you write. But why should a feeling that I no longer feel influence me?
Stahl: Let’s say I had a very difficult childhood and was neglected and abused by my parents. Then I probably learned not to feel despair and helplessness at all, because otherwise they would have overwhelmed me – this dulling was my survival strategy. Now I have children of my own, and the most important thing I have to be able to do as a parent is empathize with my child. But empathy only works if I have contact with my own feelings.
WORLD: Does that mean that by splitting off, I am not only blocking access to my own emotions, but also to the feelings of others?
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