Birgit, 40: Dear Ms. Höfler, I’m getting annoyed that my boyfriend constantly talks into my outfits. Actually, he criticizes everything that doesn’t accentuate my figure, he would prefer it if I wore high heels and tight dresses every day. I do have preferences when it comes to his outfits, but I would never talk into him in such a dominant way. But I still want to please him. How can one solve it?
Hello Birgit, I understand that you are torn. You want to please your friend and like to wear clothes that you feel comfortable in and that suit you.
Lots of people have ideas about what clothes look best on their partner and there are certainly some of us who would like to change something about each other’s style. It is not uncommon for me to hear of partnerships in which one person buys the other’s clothes and makes suggestions as to what might suit them better and what looks less good in their eyes. If it works well for both sides and they enjoy it, then you can definitely do it that way.
It becomes difficult for me when comments are made without being asked and criticism is formulated in a condescending manner. Now I’m wondering what happens in your house if you don’t wear what he wants, and what does it do to you when he criticizes you? To be more precise: Is his way of expressing criticism so impressive that you are better off implementing his ideas, or is criticism difficult for you to bear? What about criticism in other areas of your partnership, is this allowed and must the other person’s wishes be granted?
What is said should remain what it is: an opinion
I don’t know enough about the dynamics of your relationship to give you any specific advice. This means that I can only offer you my opinion and my attitude to what I have understood about your problem at this point. First off, I think some feedback on the way your friend seems to be voicing criticism might be helpful. For me, for example, it would be important that I explicitly asked for an opinion on what I was wearing, or that the other person asked if a comment on this was desired. This should be worded in a friendly manner and not be derogatory. And then what is said should remain what it is: an opinion. Now I have the choice to change something about it or not. The choice I make shouldn’t have a lasting impact on my relationship.
If my style of clothing is repeatedly criticized, it would be interesting to find out exactly what it is all about. Does the person I’m in a relationship with have specific worries or concerns about it? Then a conversation about this is certainly helpful. But if it’s all about the fact that it’s fun for the other person to see me in clothes that I like but don’t feel comfortable in or that don’t meet my taste, I wouldn’t be willing to always comply with this wish. It might then be possible to talk about compromises, ie when and under what circumstances, for example, your friend can choose your outfit and on the other days you decide what to wear. Sharing how you feel about these situations with your partner might be helpful. Perhaps he is not sufficiently aware of what his behavior triggers in you.