The loss of our loved ones is part of life. When it occurs during childhood or adolescence, it usually leaves a deep mark, but also, according to experts, an important learning that will serve to face the following duels. For this reason, it is also important that adults help them go through these hard moments so that they can express their feelings and feel accompanied. Infantilizing them or avoiding addressing the subject should never be the solution. We talked about all this with the psychologist. Beatriz Urradeputy clinical director of the Recurra Ginso Retirement Day Hospital.
Do we tend to infantilize children too much when we talk to them about death?Talking about death is generally complicated, even more so if we have that conversation with children or adolescents. It is difficult to put words, express feelings, sustain their pain or we can also feel unable to respond to the doubts and questions that we are asked. They tend to be infantilized, thinking that they can be shocked, that it will be difficult for them to manage their emotions or that they will have time in the future to experience complicated situations. The fear that is often felt causes adults to remain silent or avoid addressing the issue, often sweetening what happened or using excessive metaphors. We try to protect them from pain and avoid talking about death. However, we must be aware that sooner or later, they are going to experience it and must develop coping strategies to overcome the grayest moments of their lives.
Sooner or later, children are going to experience death and must develop strategies to overcome the darkest moments of their lives.
How should we tell a child about the death of a loved one?We must take time to tell the little ones what happened. It is important that the news is transmitted by their parents if possible, and if not, by the closest people in their environment. Taking care of the environment is essential. Choose a quiet place, where you feel safe to express your fears, doubts or cry if you need to. Telling him as soon as possible will make it easier for him not to find out from third parties or for him to witness painful situations without understanding what happened.
If the adult is very shocked or emotionally overwhelmed, another person will be found who can talk to the minor in a calmer way. We must remember that we must “support” the minor, at times like this, we must continue to be the figure of security and attachment to him.
It is not necessary to give all the information at once, since it will surely be unnecessary and make it difficult to understand what happened. It is important, however, that the minor can express everything that worries him. Showing that we are going to accompany them and that we are open to dialogue as many times as needed will help them. Sometimes, there are people who tell us in therapy that they do not understand the responses of the children when telling them what happened, since they can be, from continuing to play, asking if they are going to continue in the same school or acting as if nothing had happened. Knowing that these answers are part of the evolutionary development of the little ones will help to understand them and not judge them. Do not forget to be able to notify your closest environment such as the school, in extracurricular activities…, so that they can support you and be aware of the situation. If the family is religious, it may be a good time to refer to faith and hope. It can help the family and the minor to a great extent. Finally, emphasize that the deceased person will not be forgotten or replaced by anyone for a long time.
We must “support” the minor at times like this, we must continue to be their security and attachment figure
What mistakes are the most frequent when we discuss this issue with them and why should we avoid them?The biggest mistake we are making as a society is constantly avoiding the subject. We live in a ‘Mr. Wonderful’, where suffering and pain are parked. Illness and death remain far from our spaces and are not lived naturally, which is an inescapable fact of life itself.
One of the most frequent mistakes when not knowing how to communicate with children is to give wrong explanations that generate confusion. Excessive metaphors can make the child not understand and leave room to make their own conjectures or run their imaginations. As we mentioned earlier, trying to overprotect them makes it difficult for them to acquire maturity and be prepared to experience complicated situations. Hiding information, lying, not showing how we are or telling them: “you’ll understand when you’re older” are usually other mistakes that are very frequently made. You also have to be careful when talking to third parties about what happened, since many times they are present and we assume that the little ones do not understand or do not find out. In turn, we can be too demanding with adolescents, asking them for a strength and maturity that they have not yet acquired.
Beatriz Urra
Psychologist and coordinator of the Retiro Recurra Ginso Day Hospital
Beatriz Urra is a general health psychologist specialized in forensics and has a master’s degree in family and couples therapy. Beatriz has been working at the Recurra Ginso Clinic for more than 11 years, where she helps adolescents and families in conflict. She is also a professor at the Alfonso XX el Sabio University and the Cardenal Cisneros University. Currently, she is the coordinator of the Recurra Ginso Retirement Day Hospital.
It is important that the minor express everything that worries him
When the death of that loved one has come unexpectedly, either because they are very young (a brother, a friend, a classmate…) or due to a traffic accident, for example, what should we take into account to cushion the impact that can have on the child?It is crucial that they can continue with their daily routines and habits. Support them and show our willingness for any time they need us. Being heard, cared for and understood is the most important thing. Understand that you may show behavioral and mood changes in the coming weeks or months and not press with phrases such as: “come on, you can’t go on like this”, “such a person would not like to see you like this”.
Finally, we must offer him to be able to say goodbye so that he can elaborate on the duel that has occurred abruptly and unexpectedly. There are countless gestures and rituals that help to close, from writing a letter, planting a tree, talking with your family…, it will always depend on the family circumstances and the minor.
Trying to overprotect the child makes it difficult for him to acquire maturity and be prepared for complicated situations
If that loved one is previously going through an illness that unfortunately is not going to have a good outcome, how should we prepare the child for what is going to happen?It is important to prepare the farewell, adjusting to the cognitive development of the minor, his age and experience. There will be children/adolescents who want to address the issue and others who find it more difficult and are avoidant. If the sick person is not very deteriorated, and she would like to, she can talk to the minor and tell him how much she loves him and how happy she makes him.
It is very helpful to be able to read a book that accompanies the process. Also, for the little ones, being able to talk about the death of a pet or plant in the house. They can be asked if they want to make a drawing, a craft or something to give to the sick person as a sign of affection. Lastly, always show the certainty that we are going to be with them and that they will never be alone (younger children sometimes think that other relatives may die because they are afraid of loss).
What advice would you give us to help the child gradually overcome grief? Is it good that we verbalize that loss with him or do some farewell ritual?The first piece of advice is that the child’s pain and sadness should be addressed. It is important to give him time to get over it and accompany him in the different phases that he will go through. Know also that adolescents often express their sadness from anger and isolation. It is important not to fall for the provocations, but to understand that your mood is low and express it in the way you can. Trying not to make many changes in the child’s life and allowing them to have moments of relief and leisure will always be favorable.
Being able to verbalize the loss and remember the deceased person will help overcome grief and favor acceptance. Involve minors in rituals, without forcing them if they don’t want to. Talk positively about the person who is no longer there. Remember anecdotes and positive moments. In addition, it would be advisable to go to a mental health professional if we see that it does not improve.
The sadness of the child must be addressed, it is important to give him time to overcome it and accompany him in the different phases
Traditionally, an attempt has been made to keep children away from funeral homes, funerals, burials… is it a good idea for them to participate in them?Decades ago, death was something natural that occurred earlier, however, death is now being institutionalized. Before, people often died at home, however, today, people die in hospitals or residences, so society moves away from the fact of death. We don’t even use almost the terms “die”, “pass away”, but we use phrases like “he is no longer with us”, “he is in the sky”, “he is a star”, “he is gone”. We hide behind sunglasses and do not take children to farewell spaces. It is a good idea for them to participate in funeral homes, funerals, burials as long as they are accompanied by their support figure, they are explained in advance where they are going to go, it is according to their maturity and they can stay for a short time.
What traumas can an unresolved duel leave in the child?It can generate different signs and symptoms such as anxiety, night fears with nightmares, significant sleep disturbances, separation anxiety, ruminative thoughts about the circumstances of the death, frequent feelings of loneliness or emptiness, intense emotional reactions when remembering the deceased person, regressions and infantilized behaviors. In some cases, even autolytic ideas and behaviors may appear.