Title: Co-parenting Dilemma: Is Ignoring Your Ex Beneficial for Your Child?
Subtitle: A Dad seeks advice on whether to engage with his ex-wife during their son’s events
Introduction:
In a recent letter to advice columnist Carolyn Hax, a father discusses his dilemma of whether or not to engage with his ex-wife during their son’s events. After a tumultuous 15-year relationship that came to an end, the father is now practicing parallel parenting and wishes to have minimal contact with his ex-wife, limiting their interactions to matters concerning their child.
Content:
The father shares that their relationship had become strained in the last five years, and he suspected his ex-wife of having an affair. Despite his efforts to salvage their family, he eventually caught her in a lie that was the last straw. Following legal advice, he moved out of their shared home and engaged in a year-long legal battle to secure equal parenting time, custodial rights, and medical decision-making for their child. Eventually, the father won in all three areas and is now in a new relationship with someone who provides care, honesty, and transparency.
The father’s concern lies in his reluctance to engage with his ex-wife unless it is strictly related to their son. He is practicing parallel parenting and intentionally ignores her presence during their child’s events, activities, and practices. Although their son has yet to inquire about the lack of engagement between his parents, the father wonders if this approach is negatively impacting their child and questions whether he should at least exchange greetings with his ex-wife for their son’s sake.
In response to the father’s query, Carolyn Hax acknowledges that, on the surface, it seems logical to suggest being pleasant to one another for the sake of their son. However, given the history of discord, their child might be relieved that his parents are avoiding each other during these events, as it eliminates the fear of potential conflicts. Hax emphasizes that the most important perspective to consider is that of the child, rather than the adults trying to dictate what’s best for him. Moreover, Hax advises that the father takes a broader approach, focusing on their child’s mental health and overall well-being instead of adhering to societal expectations.
Hax suggests that the father should consider his son’s need for stability and support, ensuring that his world remains an anxiety-free environment that fosters growth, self-confidence, and trust in his parents. While a simple act of greeting might seem like a positive step towards this goal, Hax advises the father to assess whether engaging with his ex-wife could potentially invite conflict and disrupt his son’s stability. The column encourages the father to be attentive to his son’s unspoken cues and needs, adapting his approach as necessary.
Conclusion:
Navigating co-parenting dynamics can be challenging, especially when faced with a history of discord and a desire for minimal contact. The advice shared by Carolyn Hax encourages the father to prioritize his child’s well-being, considering his mental health, stability, and need for a nurturing environment. While the decision to engage or not is ultimately up to the father, as it depends on the specific circumstances, it is crucial to remain attuned to the child’s needs and adapt accordingly.