2024-07-08 02:51:36
“Turkmenistan does everything to keep you from going there, and if you do come there, it does everything to extract as much money as possible from you. Once it extracts money from you, it does everything to get you out of it. And if if your engine stalls and you run out of gas on the way, it becomes really interesting to stay in it!” Traveler Dan Přibáň writes about the adventure he experiences on his journey with Luaz, aka the yellow frog.
A mirage flutters above the endless, straight and completely empty highway. It’s hot, really hot, and we have to drive 400 kilometers in it at one go. We don’t want to, but we have to. We are in Turkmenistan. We travel under constant supervision and our schedule is fixed.
And the schedule says that today we have to move from the capital Ashgabat to Merv and tomorrow we have to leave Turkmenistan. Whether or not it’s over 40 above zero doesn’t matter. If we don’t make it, another fourteen hundred will be added to the $6,000 they’ve taken from us here so far. Two hundred for each of us as a penalty for leaving the country late. And we really don’t want to pay that! And so we go for the mirage.
Africké already seen
It’s going pretty well so far. The oil in the engine is uncomfortably hot for the first 200 kilometers, but it doesn’t quite reach critical values… just almost critical. And so let’s get down to the second two hundred. But the temperature outside is still rising and so is the road, slowly but surely rising… we hope the hill will end soon like it has so many times.
Then the Vega’s engine sputters and stops for a moment. We know this, this is not good! Something got caught or stuck. Added to the mirage is déjà vu. Africa year 2009 and a seized Trabant engine. Heat, desert, mirage. But that was in Egypt, we didn’t have to cross the border there the next day.
We stop and try to do everything to save Vóža, our second frog, from the same fate. We need to get more cool (even if the word sounds very euphemistic in this case) air under the hood.
A mirage flutters above the endless, straight and completely empty highway. | Photo: Aktuálně.cz/Dan Přibáň
Our amphibious cars used to have a winch in the front wall, which we left at home because it only tightened 100 kilos. He left a hole behind. We covered it for the cruise. We are opening it and hope it helps.
200 kilometers on a rope
But nothing can help Vega now. The engine makes terrible noises and if we drive further, it completely seizes up. The only plus point is that since Turkmenistan has already forced a car guide on us and planned our schedule this way, we have a car guide here.
It is a pity that we are not here under different conditions and in a different regime. Oleg is an expert on the history of the region and one could listen to his stories about the sights and culture of Central Asia for hours.
Now, instead of telling stories, he hitches a sick frog to his Land Cruiser and we set off for the second half of the journey. One would expect that without an engine it would be quiet in Luaz, but it is not. This car just makes a mess all the time. The noise is less, but the squealing of the gears and the screeching of the tires can still bring out a decent few decibels. At least the other frog reports that the winch hole helped and the temperature dropped.
According to the law!
After a few hours we are at the end of the highway and Turkmenistan is at its best again! While it was possible to tow a car 200 kilometers on the highway, 20 kilometers into the city is not possible! Apparently, the leader of the nation (that is the official title of the former president, who is now the highest-ranking person in the country, even above the president, who is his son) banned it, so that it would not appear that cars can be broken in Turkmenistan. After he ordered that only white cars could enter the capital, this would not be surprising.
And so we wait for a tow truck that would take us to the city. When she arrives, she is of course white! Otherwise, it’s scrap, it doesn’t even have a dashboard, a stone instead of a handbrake, and the water from the radiator is collected in the tank when stopped so that the driver can pour it back in again. But that’s how it is according to the law.
Escape from Turkmenistan
Everywhere else, we would drive the broken-down car to the nearest town, build a temporary base there, and repair the engine. But here we are in Turkmenistan.
We are only allowed to stay here for six days, and if we stay longer, we will be fined for each extra day. And we have the last day! So we are looking for a tow truck in slightly better condition. It’s not even expensive, 250 kilometers to the border costs about 1,700 crowns, we load the Vega and head for Uzbekistan.
Everywhere else, we would drive the broken-down car to the nearest town, build a temporary base there, and repair the engine. But it doesn’t work here. | Photo: Aktuálně.cz/Dan Přibáň
But before that, let’s take a little digression. North of Mary lies the remains of the city of Merv, once the largest city in the world. Now all that remains of it are the remains of the walls and the remains of the ramparts. It’s pretty good to put it into context when you drive here with a car with a seized engine and you have to flee the country today. It’s not so bad!
No petrol and no engine
Merv is fascinating, but it’s time to head north. The border closes at six and we have to cross it today. But when we want to buy gasoline, there is an endless queue at the pump and at the next one as well. No one knows what is happening, there is no official statement anywhere, but there is no gasoline either.
We keep going and the road to the border is anything but pretty. Holes alternate with dust, dust alternates with sand, sand alternates with holes. And it’s hot, really hot!
In the middle of nowhere we find another pump… but it doesn’t have gas either. The pumpers, when they see how we are, try to help us. They take the covers off the stand, hop on the hose, fill the pump with gasoline. It seems more like a ritual than something that could actually help.
Pumpers are trying to help. | Photo: Aktuálně.cz/Dan Přibáň
When precious fuel suddenly starts pouring out of the nozzle! We refuel in the second frog, but there is only a little gas. There isn’t enough fuel for our tricycle that Marek rides, but the tricycle fits on the tow truck! And so two-thirds of the yellow column is already on it.
The wheel was breaking
The road gets worse and worse, we zigzag in the opposite direction, jump through pits, pass more and more police checkpoints. Most of the time they wave at us as if to stop, and when we slow down and they seem quite enamored with our machines, they wave to go on.
But now we stop, even if they let us go. Our tow truck has a flat tire. The driver takes out a stack of pipes, a large wrench and begins to loosen the screws. It loosens and loosens… but the screws nothing. We start nervously looking at our watches. The border closes in a few hours and we still have 150 kilometers to go.
When the screws won’t budge, the driver tries to turn them to the other side and lo and behold… it works. Apparently his truck is reverse threaded and apparently he just tightened it real tight. Now it’s fast, he doesn’t even need a jack, he just lowers his yellow load backwards, lifting the front wheels and the new tire is in place in no time. There is a screw in the old one. Maybe it was enough to tighten it properly. We are going! About a kilometer.
Time is short and the fine for arriving late at the border is high. | Photo: Aktuálně.cz/Dan Přibáň
Goodbye, Turkmenistan!
Our only vehicle that is still going is blowing a hole in the asphalt and the rim on both right wheels is getting an ugly shape. And it occurred to us that it is really massive steel.
In addition, a bulge appeared on the rear tire. We use a hammer to flatten the rims into approximately the right shape, but when we want to replace the damaged rubber, one of the screws in the wheel starts to turn and cannot be loosened. Nothing can be done, let’s move on! Time is short and the fine is big.
Holes alternate with dust, dust alternates with sand, sand alternates with holes. When the blue streak of the river appears in the distance in the setting sun. Amu Darya, the border with Uzbekistan is in sight!
Just a few more kilometers and we are standing at the gate. Neither our tow truck nor our guide Oleg can go any further. We thank him for his help, and when he asks us what we would say about him and Turkmenistan, the answer is simple, we would change nothing about him, everything about Turkmenistan.
Above us hangs the official state slogan “Let your path be white” and a photo of the half-president with a blank face in front of the carpet. We hope this is the last time we see him! Goodbye, Turkmenistan!