After a long, busy day at work, you find yourself in the kitchen whipping up a nutritious meal that you know your kids will love. Normally. But once at the table it turns out that daughter has decided today that she now thinks her previously favorite stew is the dirtiest food in the world. She doesn’t try a bite of it, and when you’ve got her to fill her spoon with a lot of effort, she throws – hop – an orange blob against the wall. You become furious.
Constantly tense
Recognizable? For clinical psychologist Marie-Anne Vanderhasselt it is. She is a senior lecturer at the Faculty of Medicine and Health Sciences at Ghent University and has been researching stress for many years. She thought the subject held no more secrets for her until she became a mother. She noticed that enjoying her children didn’t end up as well as she had intended. Instead, she spent most of her time checking off to-do lists and feeling tense all the time. How did that happen?
In search of answers, Vanderhasselt discovered that the existing literature on stress mainly focused on the children themselves. Almost nothing could be found about stress among parents, while almost every parent struggles with it. She therefore decided to write a book about it herself: Parents under high stress: how to understand and manage stress in your family.
Parenting paradox
Vanderhasselt calls it the parenting paradox: having children is the most rewarding, joyful and wonderful thing that can happen to you, but it also brings a lot of stress. From difficult nights to toddlers who throw a terror tantrum for no reason: they don’t exactly bring out the best in you. “It takes three factors to get someone into stress mode: unpredictability, uncontrollability, and novelty,” she says. “That’s exactly what you get with young children. Their behavior is unpredictable and uncontrollable and every stage of their development is new.”
You cannot escape stress as a (young) parent. And that is not necessarily a bad thing, Vanderhasselt emphasises. “A certain amount of stress is part of it. It keeps us awake and alert, makes us feel fulfilled and motivated to take action. It helps us grow.” That is basically a positive thing. It only becomes a problem when we do not fully relax after a stress peak and the stress continues.
And that is what is often lacking in young families: the small moments of stress keep piling up. Just when you think you’re sitting quietly on the toilet, another child is knocking at the door – ‘mamamamama’. Are you cooking, your still-not-potty-trained child has an ‘accident’. Do you have to catch the train in the morning and take the children to daycare – stressful enough in itself – one starts whining that he doesn’t want to wear those shoes (and oh woe if he doesn’t get his way). All those little moments of stress together lead to you staying at a certain stress level. And then all you have to do is do this or you’ll be out of your mind.
Parental burn-out
Reacting to your kids in a way you’re not proud of is annoying enough, but if you’re not careful it can get worse. In extreme cases, persistent stress in parents can lead to a so-called parental burn-outthe physical, mental and emotional exhaustion that comes from the chronic stress that comes with parenting.
That subtype of the ‘average’ burnout is becoming more and more common, says Vanderhasselt. According to a recent American survey, even two-thirds of working parents suffered from it during corona time. In Belgium, this is currently 1 in 12 parents.
In her book, Vanderhasselt calls stress the disease of our time. “A lot is expected of parents these days. Working, being with the kids, having fun outings and traveling; we want to multitask a lot in the rush hour of life, and multitasking is known to cause stress.” Things like social media also demand a lot from our brain. “There are many stimuli that occupy our brain. And the more stimuli, the less we are able to control our emotions.”
Shorter fuse than usual
Parents are by no means always aware that they are experiencing stress, says Vanderhasselt. “When we’re under stress, we’re less likely to dwell on what we’re feeling.” Stress complaints are different for everyone. For some, stress manifests itself in abdominal pain or eczema, for others in headaches or insomnia.
According to the stress expert, it is important to listen to your body and to recognize your own biomarkers for stress. “Then you can see more quickly when it’s getting a little too much and take a step back.” If you notice that you are irritable and have a shorter fuse than usual, chances are that you are quite stressed.
Perfectionism, criticism and loneliness exacerbate stress. So you should try to avoid them as much as possible. But especially in parenthood, those things are lurking. Criticism is something most parents are familiar with. Mothers, in particular, measure each other cheerfully.
“Criticism is a very strong stressor. Because we are social beings who need each other badly, it affects us a lot when we notice that we are being criticized or think we are. Sometimes we only imagine that there is negative about it. we are being talked about, but that has the same effect on our stress level. Feeling that we are being scrutinized causes persistent stress.”
Perfectionistic people enjoy less
The same goes for perfectionism. If you’re always striving for an unattainable ideal, the status quo is never good enough. Then you always have the feeling that things can and should be better and your focus is mainly on everything that is not going well. “We see that perfectionistic people are less able to enjoy what is there and are also less able to accept the children as they are.”
The best buffer against stress is connection, the feeling that you can work on something together and that you are supported by the people around you. So look for other parents who are in the same boat and with whom you can vent. Or ring the bell with family if it gets too much for you. Not only for practical help, but also for good, mature – connecting – conversations.
What else can you do as a parent to not be burdened by all that stress? “Check which situations are difficult for you,” says Vanderhasselt. Are you very bad at noise, or is it mainly unpredictability that shoots you in the red? “Together with your partner, if there is one, try to be there for the children as a team based on your own talents and vulnerabilities.”
And most importantly: put the brakes on from time to time and make sure you bring your stress level back to zero. Find out what works for you to reduce physical stress. With which activity do you not think about what could be improved and what you still need to do. For one, that’s a nice warm bath, for the other a brisk walk.
Breathing exercises, sports and yoga are proven methods that work for almost everyone. And you can always make time for that. “Five minutes of calm breathing already has a beneficial effect, and you can even do that together with the children.”
Physically and mentally exhausted
It is difficult to switch off your thoughts, the psychologist knows, but it is the crux. “If we don’t do that, we’re constantly stuck in that light dose of stress that eventually wears us out, both mentally and physically. If we really want to enjoy parenthood, we have to be aware that a certain amount of stress belongs to it and find ways to keep it within limits.”