Beyond Praise: How Consistent Presence Builds Lasting Self-Esteem in Children
A viral TikTok is sparking a crucial conversation among parents: what if fostering a child’s self-esteem wasn’t about constant praise, but about consistent presence and subtle reframing? The video, shared by creator Young (@young.elanss), details the quiet yet powerful parenting techniques that cultivated a strong sense of self-love in her upbringing – a blueprint rooted in consistency, thoughtful responses, and knowing when to refrain from immediate compliments.
The story, as recounted by Young, isn’t about showering children with affirmations like “You’re amazing.” Instead, it highlights a parenting approach focused on modeling self-respect in everyday moments and nurturing a kind internal voice.
Responding to Self-Criticism with Firm Kindness
One key strategy, according to Young, involved a direct response to negative self-talk. “Whenever me or my siblings would ever say anything negative about ourselves, or speak badly about ourselves, my mom would look at us and be like, ‘Don’t speak about my daughter like that,'” she shared.
This seemingly small intervention carries important weight. it communicates a fundamental message: children deserve kindness, especially from themselves. It also reinforces the idea that loved ones will not passively allow self-deprecating language.
Callout: Have you tried this approach? Share your experience in the comments below!
Shifting the Focus from Appearance to Action
The pressure to constantly feel and appear beautiful is a common struggle, notably for young girls. Young recalls instances where she didn’t feel “pretty” or didn’t want to participate in social activities. Rather than offering empty reassurances, her mother employed a different tactic.
“She’d say, ‘We’re not getting married today. I’m not going to marry you off today. Get out the door: we’re going,'” Young explained. This pragmatic approach helped her understand that belonging and self-worth aren’t contingent on feeling beautiful. It allowed her to “show up” without needing to “perform confidence.”
Callout: What are some activities you encourage your child to participate in, irrespective of how they feel about their appearance?
The Power of Indirect Affirmation
Beyond direct interactions, Young’s mother utilized a subtle yet impactful technique: speaking positively about her to others within earshot.
“[My mom] would always say super nice things about me in front of our friends and our family,” Young said. “She would never complain about me … in front of other people. And whenever she talks about me to other people … it feels like she’s proud of me.” This indirect praise feels more genuine to manny children, avoiding the spotlight while still conveying a powerful message of pride and acceptance.
Callout: think about a time you overheard someone praising you. How did it make you feel?
Character Over Talent: Defining Worth Beyond Achievement
Young’s mother intentionally avoided centering her identity around academic success, even though she was a gifted student. “I never felt like my self-worth was tied to me being smart or me excelling,” Young stated. “My worth is just tied to me as her daughter and as a human being.” By decoupling intelligence from self-worth,her mother fostered a deeper,more resilient sense of value.
Callout: Poll: Do you think society places too much emphasis on academic achievement? Yes/No
Reframing everyday Self-Talk: Practical Phrases for Parents
Inspired by this story, parents can adopt specific phrases to shift the focus from grading to grounding:
- instead of: “You’re so smart!” Try: “I really admire how curious you are.”
- Instead of: “You’re beautiful just the way you are.” Try: “You don’t have to feel beautiful to be critically important.”
- Instead of: “Good job, you’re the best at this.” Try: “You stuck with that even when it was hard. I noticed that.”
- Rather of: Silence when they self-criticize Try: “Hey. Don’t talk about my child like that.”
These subtle shifts in language model self-compassion and encourage children to treat themselves with the same kindness they would offer others.
Ultimately, Young’s experience underscores that self-love isn’t built on perfect words or scripted praise. It flourishes within a foundation of feeling seen,safe,and accepted in consistent,everyday interactions. The way parents respond to their children’s self-doubt – the moments of quiet support or firm redirection – can profoundly shape their internal dialog for a lifetime. and sometimes, the most impactful parenting moments aren’t grand gestures, but simply loving presence.
