Lately I find myself very troubled by the matter of the loss of desire. No, dirty heads, not necessarily in that area. But as a general concept – the passion for life. The ability to get excited, have new experiences, surprise yourself. At the age of 53, all of these are no longer self-evident.
It is true that I was lucky, and I work in a field that provides thrills for the most part, and also the realization of dreams – every film or show that goes out into the world is an injection of adrenaline straight into the main artery – but as with everything in human existence, eventually you get used to it too. And the dose of excitement must increase all the time, in order to maintain the high level of cardiac arrest. So slowly a kind of dangerous laziness creeps into my veins. Material fatigue, if you will. In a spoken machine, I start to feel like an accident, but continue to act normal.
A look at most people my age that I know (caution, generalization) only makes the feeling even sourer. Because for most of them, after crossing the age of 50 you are beyond the peak in almost every aspect. Professional, physical, romantic and in many ways also mental. Mainly, in the areas of the same passion. It’s hard for me to get rid of the thought that, from an evolutionary point of view, our story should come to an end in the sixth decade of our lives.
Once we have fulfilled the vocation of bringing children into the world, and then accompanying them until they themselves reach childbearing age, we have no real value. Except, of course, for Russian grandmothers, who raise the family until the last day. And the result is that modern medicine and improved living conditions have created entire age strata that exist almost artificially. In other words, to sum up this slightly morbid discussion, I should be long past my peak. So how the hell do you still find taste and passion when you’re down?
Personally, this despondency is combined with the fact that for several years now I have not been able to enjoy what once lit the fire in me – a new culture. And above all, music. My whole world was reduced to a binge. It is true that television is in a golden age, but watching it is not able to truly provide the intensity of the experience of falling in love with a new song, or collective chills at a live performance. My mere awareness of the problem does not help, because in the race of life I will always succumb to staring at a new series over listening to an album with ten new songs. I try to console myself with the fact that my entire professional world is based on creation, but I am not convinced. He is hungry for new thrills, and no longer knows how to locate them.
But last weekend I found redemption. I went to the jazz festival in Eilat, mainly to provide transportation, accommodation, nutrition, etc. for one of my sons, who will live – a real jazz lover, unlike his father. And I found myself present at seven different performances, most of the time alone (he preferred, for some reason, to spend time with friends he met there), in front of artists I had never heard of and them, in a genre that is seemingly completely foreign to me. In short, zero expectations. But already during the first performance, of the British wonder known as Jacob Collier, I realized two facts.
One, that what is known today as jazz is actually a very broad title for wow, I’ve never heard one before! That is, an original use of styles and influences, which does not give up the basic goal of delighting the audience (Collier, specifically, is a magician on stage, which I more than recommend trying to see in concert. And the festival as a whole was excellent). And the second, that even at my advanced age I am still able to produce from my throat shouts of “Wow!” in front of new music.
The conclusion is almost clichéd, as if taken from particularly banal self-training books, but it is inevitable: in order to find passion again, you must get out of your comfort zones. in all ways. And also put effort into it. At the age of 16 I would pass out just hearing a new guitar riff on the radio. Today I have to travel to Eilat and isolate myself from everything I know to recreate the same thrill. But hey, he’s still there!