2023-07-23 13:41:52
Breakups are rarely positive. They are associated with words like the War of the Roses or the Mud Battle. A breakup describes the end of something. It’s a topic that’s really on my mind right now, because I separated from my partner after twelve years. But instead of an end, I see a beginning. A letter.
If there’s one thing we’ve learned in recent years, it’s that our way of life is outdated. A four-day week instead of a 40-hour week. Home office instead of real meetings. 50/50 parenting instead of a part-time dad who works forever. Open relationships instead of secret cheating. We communicate in new ways and negotiate more. Adjust our lives to our needs. With the goal and the hope of satisfaction. That often works. Only the topic of separation is and remains a very unpleasant one. Understandable when accompanied by cheating, arguments and disagreements. Most of the time you avoid each other completely afterwards, everyone leads their own new life. But what if children are involved? Even if there is no ring on your finger à la “until the end of our lives”, you are still bound to each other for the next few years. At least until the kids are 18 years old.
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A child together counts for more than a ring on your finger
We have never made this promise to ourselves, neither on paper nor among ourselves. We knew that having a child does not automatically mean that we will spend the rest of our lives together. Nevertheless, I always knew that you are the man with whom I can also imagine a breakup. To be a family, even if we will be separated one day. And that’s exactly where we are now. It wasn’t an easy decision, nor was it one that either of us wanted. And yet we have been living in two apartments for a few months now.
“Nesting” is the name of the model in which the child stays in the family home and the parents swap homes at an agreed rhythm. With us it’s always only two to three nights, then we’re three again. By day and by night. We don’t want our child to only see us individually. It should know us as parents, not just as individuals. We both enjoy the exclusive time with the four-year-old, but it’s just as nice as a threesome. That’s why we go on trips together, go to the daycare summer party together and will probably also spend the summer vacation together. Not because we want to get back together, but because we are a family. A promise that weighs more than hurt pride, lack of emotion or recurring points of contention.
Separation is not failure
We get a lot of recognition for our “performance” from outside. How well we do it all. And I’m wondering if we shouldn’t just start looking at breakups anew in general. I know, easier thought than done. But isn’t that something you owe yourself after a long-term relationship? Are all the good moments forgotten just because it didn’t work out in the end? I never viewed our breakup as a failure, but rather as an amazing achievement, also that I spent twelve years with the same man. That we fought our way through, were always there for each other, loved each other so infinitely. And above all: we decided to have a child together. A child born of the two of us. For me, this is the greatest proof of love. And I would do it exactly the same way over and over again. With you!
It would even feel weird not to have you in my life all of a sudden. A farewell forever? Please do not. I’m thankful that parenting is the common thread between us. At best another 13 years, hopefully forever. I think we owe it to ourselves not to forget the good times, the many jokes that only we understand and that we are now passing on to the younger generation. We continue to take care of each other, we care for each other. Because that’s how a family does it, right?
And yet not everything has been said. There are still some things that we have to clarify and process among ourselves. We are thinking of family therapy so that the years to come will remain uncomplicated and we will both remain benevolent. As a child of divorce, I know the other side. A page full of fears and conflicts, and I’m always right in the middle. I’m only now realizing how stressful that used to be for me, now that I’m a mother myself. Feelings I never want my child to experience. It is too painful to see the parents suffer and struggle. But how could they have known better back then? Even today, when I talk to my mother about times gone by, the sadness and anger are still deep. The injuries have left scars.
Don’t just sit there and watch the wounds bleed
So yes, first and foremost we owe it to our children not to break up like we experienced with our parents. But that’s exactly what we owe it to ourselves. Because we are humans who make mistakes, who feel, who love and suffer. It is all the more important that we don’t just sit there and watch the wounds bleed, but instead grab a needle and thread and stop the bleeding together. Connect them and care for them with scar cream. Until everything is healed. I am proud of us. To what we’ve done. To the now. And hopefully for what’s to come.
#War #Roses #mud #fight #Declaration #love #separation