The humor award
Adam Sandler recently won the Mark Twain Award for Humor. He’s good, Adam Sandler. But I want to talk for a moment about who is really good: Mark Twain.
The first book I read in English was when I was in the 10th grade and I decided that I should read a book in English from start to finish. I took the “Calbari Finn” with me. I thought it would be an easy book. A story for children. I said to myself: words I don’t understand, I’ll look them up in the dictionary. I was wrong. Also because this is a complex book. While the writing of “Tom Sawyer” lasted two years, he began writing “The Adventures of Calabrian Finn” in the summer of 1876 and finished it only eight long years later, which were full of interruptions, jams and heartbreaks.
At the beginning of the book, Mark Twain wrote:
“Whoever tries to find a motive in this story – will be prosecuted. Whoever tries to find a lesson in it – will be excommunicated. Whoever tries to find a plot in it – will be shot.”
I had additional difficulty reading, because the book includes many words that are not in the dictionary. Slang for Jim the runaway black slave.
Today every child knows English at a young age, because of the computer, because of the phone. So, reading an entire book in English was not an easy thing for the child I was, for the children who were around me in the kibbutz.
I was up to the task, I finished reading the book cover to cover. Well, my mother, who was an English teacher, helped me decipher words in Mississippi black slang that weren’t in the dictionary. A huge book, but I’m not renovating anything with it. Everyone knows the Calabrian Finn.
In Israel, everyone also knows the book “Pleasure Journey to the Holy Land” that Mark Twain wrote about his visit to the Land of Israel. I hope Adam Sandler, the Jew, read it.
What did Mark Twain say about the idea of establishing a state for the Jews?
Mark Twain followed the Dreyfus affair and was among Dreyfus’ supporters. In the article he wrote about the Jews, he even came to claim that the French Jews did not come out enough to defend Dreyfus and did not support Emile Zola enough. During his lifetime, he also saw Herzl’s first Zionist Congress, and knew Herzl, and wrote about the idea of establishing a Jewish state here. He was against. He said: “Dr. Herzl wants to gather all the Jews in Palestine.” If this vision of the concentration of the best of these sharp minds in a free land is realized, what will become of our world? I think they should be smart and stop them at a later date. It will do us no good if we allow this nation to reveal its power. If the horses had discovered their strength, it is doubtful whether we would have been able to ride them.”
Mark Twain was so famous that people would write him letters with the envelope simply: “To Mark Twain”, and from abroad: “To Mark Twain, America”, and the letters arrived. One day someone wrote: “To Mark Twain, God knows where”. Three days later, a reply arrived in a telegram from Mark Twain: “He knew.”
There is much more to quote from Mark Twain. And the humor award named after him sets a high bar. Here are some quotes: “Dance like nobody’s watching, sing like nobody’s listening. Love like you’ve never been hurt.”
“Go to heaven for the climate; to hell for the friends.”
“You can’t trust your eyes, when your imagination is not in focus.”
“Be careful and be careful when you look at a book dealing with health issues – you could die from a typo.”
“A banker is a person who gives you an umbrella when the sun is shining and demands it back when the first drop of rain falls.”
“Usually I notice an opportunity only when it stops being like this.”
“Fortunately, I had an exact answer to the question. I said: I don’t know.”
“It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.”
“Holy cows make the best hamburgers.”
“First of all make sure you have the facts, then you can twist them to your heart’s content.”
“When you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember all the details.”
“Deep down deep inside – no man values himself very much.”
“I’m not afraid of death – I was dead for billions upon billions of years before I was born, and I didn’t suffer the slightest discomfort because of it.”
“There is more than one way to resist temptation, but the safest of all is cowardice.”
“It’s good that not everyone thinks the same, the differences of opinion, they are the ones who make the horse races.”
“The lie can make its way around half the world, while the truth has not yet finished tying its shoelaces” (a really well-known quote from him).
“I never let school get in the way of my education.”
“Let’s say you’re an idiot, and let’s say you’re a congressman. But I repeat myself.”
“Man is the only animal that blushes, or should blush.”
“My memory is not what it used to be. When I was young I remembered everything, whether it happened or not.”
“Compliments irritate me. It always seems to me that not enough is said.”
“The only sport I do is to help carry the coffins of my friends who were involved in sports.”
Finally, and for the benefit of my beloved readers, I will recommend a unique book by Mark Twain, a book that not everyone knows. If I have to recommend you something good for the holiday, I will recommend it. The name of the book in its latest Hebrew translation is: “Wilson Rosh Karub”. Its original name is “The Tragedy of Dumb-Headed Wilson or The Unusual Twins”. The book exists in several Hebrew translations and in several names: “Wilson the Dumb” and “Wilson the Weird”. Not a funny book, a huge book.
The corner of the puddle
Another little something about Mark Twain, and about frogs. He has some sayings about frogs. For example: “If your job is to swallow a frog, it’s better to do it first thing in the morning. That way the worst is behind you.”
And there is a story by Mark Twain about betting on a jumping contest between frogs. The frog trained to jump the farthest loses because the other gambler managed to feed it before the competition with lead balls. There is even a 2000 year old Greek legend with the same story. Which brings me to the conclusion: Princess, don’t bet on the functions of a frog whose belly is too full of matzoh and kneidlech after the holiday meals.