What should you do if a child cannot tolerate the smacking noises at the table? “You can play a game at the table while eating.”
Smack, chew, swallow: a 12-year-old boy is very irritated by eating noises, his parents say. The boy can even handle the food of others so badly that he no longer wants to eat with his parents.
His irritation “ruined the atmosphere at the table”, according to his parents, who are attached to their evening ritual. That is why they have decided that they do sit at the table together, but that they themselves wait until their son has finished eating. They are also considering allowing the boy to put on headphones to spare him their embarrassment. But is that a sustainable solution?
The boy’s complaints resemble misophonia, says the Dutch Kayleigh Hillebrand, remedial educationalist at De Praktijk4Kids and specialized in that disorder. In misophonia, people experience extreme feelings such as disgust, hatred or anger when hearing certain sounds, she explains. “It often involves human sounds that repeat themselves constantly, such as eating noises, but also people who keep sniffing or clearing their throat.”
Many people will say that they also find those noises annoying. But that is not the same as misophonia. “If you have misophonia, for example, these sounds can make you very angry. Some then start slamming doors or want to escape the sounds by leaving the room.”
perfectionist
“People with misophonia are very focused on the sound that causes the extreme emotions. They are, as it were, drawn to the sound. It is difficult to distract them from the sound,” says psychologist-researcher Lotte Rappoldt. At the Amsterdam UMC, in collaboration with youth aid organization Levvel, she conducts research into the diagnosis and effectiveness of the treatment of misophonia in children and young people.
There is a high demand for help, she says. “Several times a week I receive emails from parents with questions.” Yet it is one of the first times that misophonia has been studied in children in this way. So much is still unknown. “For example, we do not yet know exactly what causes someone to develop misophonia.”
Practice does show that some character traits often occur in misophonia, says Renske van Horen, GZ psychologist in training at Levvel and also involved in the study. “Children with misophonia often set the bar high, are perfectionists. You also sometimes see other developmental problems, such as ADHD or autism.” That is why it is important for this family to investigate what exactly is going on.
Humor at the table
Are the boy’s parents well advised to take measures such as headphones? It is understandable that the parents want to limit the irritation, says Van Horen. But in the long run, headphones are not a solution. “If you don’t have it on, you feel disheartened. It is then difficult to phase out wearing the headphones.”
Hillebrand: “We often say: avoidance is suffering. The less he hears the sounds, the lower the tolerance.” But, warns Van Horen, compulsory sitting at the table does not help either. “That can make the complaints worse.”
There are other ways to ensure that you can eat together again. Hillebrand: “You can do relaxation exercises before eating to reduce stress. Or trying to shift attention. You can play a game at the table while eating. Or you can try to make eating more difficult, for example by eating blindfolded. Then all your concentration has to go to taking a bite and you pay less attention to the sound. And you bring the humor back to the table.”
Coziness
Van Horen agrees that relaxation and distraction can help. “You can also turn on the radio quietly and concentrate on it. Which texts are sung, which instruments do you hear? Also remember that this is not fun for the child. Children don’t want to get so angry at all, but they have no control at such a moment.”
Hillebrand: “Children often want to agree that parents eat in a certain way. But discuss together what dinner is for: for socializing, being together, and so on. Ask him, do rules for how the rest should eat help with that? And do they help to be less bothered by the noises? The answer is probably no. Because those rules actually ensure that you pay more attention to the sounds, and that it is less pleasant at dinner.” It may also help to explain that the other person is not making noise on purpose. “Sounds are part of life.”
If there is real suffering, treatment may be necessary, the experts say. “If you can no longer eat together, if school suffers or parents have to wriggle in all kinds of corners, it is good to ask for help,” says Van Horen.