2023-05-30 12:08:49
Pascal, 46, has no relationship and lives alone. “I have a question about myself: is it weird that I watch sex videos and then ‘help’ myself?”
“No, Pascal, that’s not strange at all. That’s very normal behavior,” assures sexologist Jolien Spoelstra it. This is also evident from the figures. Recent studies by Rutgers, the expertise center for sexuality, show that 97 percent of men between the ages of 18 and 80 have experienced masturbation. 84 percent said they had masturbated in the past six months and 40 percent said they masturbate weekly. In addition, more than 70 percent of men have watched porn in the past six months and 30 percent of men do so on a weekly basis.
“Masturbating is a nice way to have sex if you are not in a relationship. It is a very good way to meet your sexual needs. It is good self-care,” says sexologist Spoelstra. But even within a relationship, according to Spoelstra, it is not at all strange if the partners masturbate.
“In a relationship, the sex drive can fluctuate a lot – due to stress at work, the arrival of a child, health problems, etc. – and then masturbating can help to compensate for this difference in desire. You are less dependent on your partner and less frustrated. You are two different people with different needs.”
Self-gratification in a relationship
In her practice, Spoelstra regularly sees couples who question self-gratification within a relationship. “People then say: ‘if you’re with me and you still feel the need to masturbate, then I’m probably not the one. Or then I can’t seem to meet all your needs.’ Or: “If you do it with yourself, you’ll probably feel less like having sex with me.” The latter turns out not to be the case. On the contrary: people who masturbate more often in a relationship also appear to have partner sex more often and to come more quickly. This is certainly the case for women. They know better what they like about all positive consequences.”
Masturbating and partner sex can therefore very well coexist, says the sexologist. “Sex with yourself and with someone else is therefore a completely different experience. With yourself you can do everything you like, with partner sex you take the other into account and it strengthens your relationship. not to bite.”
Sex addiction
Watching porn and masturbating only becomes problematic once there is a sex addiction. Spoelstra describes it as follows: do you actually want to cut down or stop, but you can’t and do you feel bad while doing it? Does it get in the way of other things like work, friendships, relationships? “Those are excesses. If this is the case and you can’t stop yourself, it can help to seek professional help.”
Spoelstra also sees that there is much less of a taboo on porn and masturbating among men than among women. The figures from the same Rutgers study therefore show that women masturbate less and less frequently (67 percent have masturbated in the past six months and 14 percent say they have sex with themselves weekly) and the same applies to watching porn (29 percent watched in the past six months and 5 percent watched weekly).
More shame among women
Spoelstra: “The myth is that women are less visually inclined than men, but that is not the case. I think that watching porn and masturbating is more accepted among men than among women. There is more shame among women, although that is starting to change something Also, the vast majority of porn on the market is made for men, which is slowly changing with porn for and by women, i.e. pornerotic audio stories, etc., but it is still completely out of proportion to what is there for the man.”
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