2023-09-21 07:52:44
by Chiara Bidoli
Helping them (too much) can be counterproductive, increasing insecurity and anxiety in boys and girls. The neuropsychiatrist’s advice for starting school on the right foot
School started a few days ago but it is precisely now, with the actual start of activities and homework, that the new academic path begins. According to a recent survey by Skuola.net, which involved 1,000 middle and high school students, 4 out of 5 students say they feel “anxiety”, “desire to escape”, “discomfort” or “anger” just at the thought of restarting of school and even in the youngest, negative feelings seem to prevail. Why so much anxiety and fear in facing the new school year and how to avoid conflicts at home over homework? There is too much attention to profit, grades and tests, also because schools have become very competitive, explains Deny Menghini, head of the simple operational unit of Neuropsychiatric Psychology at the Bambino Ges Hospital in Rome. What worries the kids are the grades, but there is also the comparison with their classmates. In many cases, where teachers are more far-sighted, less weight is given to the result and children are involved in judgments on their knowledge and level of preparation, continues the expert.
What not to say when he comes home from school
Even at home, in order not to focus on the results, you should avoid asking your children “How did it go?”, “What grades did you get?” , “Did you answer the test questions?” and instead shift the attention to interest, asking if there is a topic that they are passionate about, if they enjoyed it, shifting the focus to the learning process and the pleasure of learning. Certain old logics linked to learning should be called into question: it is not true that schools where there are fewer tasks are less valid, especially if we are talking about primary school. Another crucial aspect concerns sport. A school works better if there are many hours of movement. Let’s think of Finnish schools where sedentary activities are alternated with frequent moments in which children and young people can move often. In Italian schools, even more so after Covid, the moments related to motor skills are very limited. In reality, giving children and teenagers the opportunity to move several times a day improves concentration and promotes emotional well-being. These are moments in which they can literally let off steam, socialize and a situation of well-being is created which also has repercussions on school progress, explains the expert.
How to “teach” the love of studying
You can help your children to love school by getting them used to appreciating reading. There are several studies that show how reading with an adult improves the child’s vocabulary and helps him develop some fundamental study skills such as concentration and reasoning. Stimulating reading, reading a book in the evening, sharing contents makes the child curious about the world of books and learning – explains Menghini -. It is also essential to make them independent as soon as possible, starting from preparing the backpack, up to managing tasks. The sooner children manage to organize themselves, learning to alternate breaks with study moments, the sooner they will learn to manage their afternoons peacefully. Obviously it starts slowly, with the parent acting as a guide.
It may be useful to proceed by making a list of all the activities to be carried out in order of importance. This helps the child to become increasingly autonomous in organisation, also making him develop a critical sense of the activities to be carried out. Another crucial aspect is to create “routines” as soon as possible in which to alternate breaks with moments in which to concentrate on studying and avoid leaving homework after dinner and, also important for older adults, regularizing sleep. Children, but also teenagers, must be able to count on sufficient time to sleep in order to rest and consolidate the information received during the day. In fact, regular and effective sleep allows you to memorize well what is acquired, concludes Menghini.
How to avoid homework conflicts
To avoid conflicts at home over homework, it is important that children and young people are as independent as possible in managing the time to dedicate to studying and get used to referring to the teacher for questions related to learning. What we clinicians observe is that the parent is often too intrusive and, unintentionally, fuels the children’s insecurities – explains Menghini -. Giving more value to profit than to the learning process shifts attention to the real priority of school: getting children used to making mistakes, understanding mistakes and remedying them. Only in this way, by making mistakes and also emotionally facing uncomfortable issues, children learn to manage their limits and strive to find solutions, learning to accept and face difficulties and not to experience everything as a challenge, which is then one of the main stress factors. and anxiety generator. Autonomy must be supported at all ages, but replacing one’s children or not giving importance to their regressive manifestations must also be avoided. The autonomy but also the safety of the child is at stake.
We are used to protecting them and that’s fine, but helping the child to tell the teacher “I didn’t succeed” is a great lesson, because we shouldn’t give the impression of always being at our best because then at the first frustration they can collapse. Avoiding any problem a priori, in the long run, does not allow them to train themselves for the frustrations and failures that are part of life. Always aiming for excellence does not help, other than requiring a commitment. Parents should focus on this last aspect, the resulting results are secondary, concludes Menghini.
How to understand if anxiety is “good”
In pre-adolescence and adolescence, awareness of one’s own limits grows, the fear of other people’s judgment increases and the level of stress increases. We need to distinguish where there is a real problem and where the anxiety belongs to a physiological sphere. In some situations linked to new things and demanding activities, it is normal to feel “anxiety” but it is also a good thing, because it allows us to overcome some moments that are critical for us, keeping us more attentive, more concentrated – explains Menghini -. When anxiety is no longer physiological but combines with other factors such as difficulty falling asleep, or creates physical symptoms such as headaches and stomach aches or exceeds a certain tolerance level (for example it also affects nutrition) it is necessary to intervene .
How to understand if you have performance anxiety
How to understand if anxiety exceeds the “physiological” level?
What are the symptoms that should alert us? First of all, it depends on how long it lasts. If it is limited in time, and therefore transitory, you can rest assured, otherwise further investigation is needed – continues Menghini -. There must be anxiety, anticipating any activity, but if we see that there is a lasting and clear change in the child, for example in sleep, in nutrition, in mood with prolonged outbursts of anger or irritability over time, then it is necessary to understand if this behavior is the result of a real emotional or behavioral problem. The evaluation criteria are the duration and intensity of these behaviors. In the case of any regressions, which may for example require the presence of the parent, or if sudden tics appear, the child or young person must be reassured.
To do this, it may be useful to give personal examples, for example telling your child how you feel when you go back to work after the holidays, reflecting on your own personal experiences, avoiding stabilizing a new behaviour. If, for example, the child asks to sleep in the parents’ bed he can be satisfied but for a limited time. If we stabilize this request by agreeing for several nights it could even cause an opposite effect and create a reinforcement of that anxiety. as if we confirmed to him that there is a strange or dangerous situation he has to face and that, therefore, sleeping with his parents can reassure him and protect him. Anxiety is not reduced if we indulge it. The message to give to the kids: “We’re here, we’ll talk about it, but there’s nothing to be afraid of, you can do it on your own.”
September 21, 2023 (modified September 21, 2023 | 07:52)
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