(Drawing: Maya; small photo: Yael Stroll)
“I’m not able. Maybe another husband would have been able to live with her after everything she’s done, I’m just not able. Do you understand?”, responded Doron in despair.
“Even though you saw that she had completely changed, she repented, repented from the bottom of her heart? She is doing everything to compensate you and build a new life with you that is much better than what you had and if you allow me to whisper in your ear: a life that is much better than what you will get today in the market in chapter 2 “.
“Yes, but I can’t. I try so hard, I force myself to think positive thoughts about her, I force myself to be with her in many difficult situations when I can’t even look at her, every moment she stands next to me is so hard, I feel that she polluted”.
“Then why do you stay in this relationship?”.
“That’s it, that’s exactly what I want to understand, that I don’t know and don’t understand why I stayed in this relationship for so many years when I don’t really believe that it can be restored, it really makes me angry.”
“You’re even more angry with yourself than with her!”.
“Yes, today I feel like that. I should have just left her back then, and I’m really angry with myself that I was so spineless and thought about the children and her and I just put myself aside,” he responded sadly.
“It is very important to me to relate to your difficulty and pain. To give your feelings validity and recognition, because they are really difficult to the point of being impossible. Doron, almost every person who experienced something like this, would feel what you feel and most likely even would have broken up this relationship a long time ago, while you , you invest so much, you are torn, you suffer, you give of yourself and it is clear why you make all these efforts, it is because at the point of truth you know that this relationship is eternal.”
“What is eternal? It is destroyed to the core.”
“True, it was destroyed to the core because it was built on a shaky foundation and now the relationship is built from strong, healthy and repaired foundations that will last for years and generations. The divine plan is precise. The relationship needs to be restored from the human injury and this move meets and collides with your very fundamental concept, Do you know what this concept is?”
“Yes. There are injuries for which there is no forgiveness and atonement.”
“Not only that, you also don’t believe in yourself that you can truly repent. That it is really possible to make a real change in your life and then of course you blame it on her,” I explained to him.
“That’s why I don’t want to continue this relationship,” he continued angrily.
“True. But first let’s try to understand what the two voices in the soul are and why it is necessary to lower and take control of one of these voices in order to take care of the problems you are in. There is your true and divine good will: the discovery of the unity between your soul and the soul of your wife. And there is the other desire that wants separation – This is the desire that is connected to the ego that is connected to the rigid perception that you have that such an injury is unforgivable and that it is impossible to restore the relationship after such an injury.”
“I actually feel that my true self is to break the bond, and if I forgive this hurt I erase myself, if I give up everything I believe in, I feel very strongly internally that if I give up my perception, I actually give up myself “.
“What is yourself?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” he answered.
“It’s a bit complex, but it’s important that you understand it. Because being identified with our divine soul is a difficult thing because it’s something much more internal than our ego, which is connected to our body and is easily revealed and that’s why it’s easy for us to identify with it. We find all kinds of ways others to identify with all kinds of substitutes. We identify with football, singers, social struggles, charismatic people, our opinions, our fears, our anger and many other places where we are sure that it is really us, but this is not the truth and it can certainly be replaced and changed.”
“You identify so much with your opinion that you feel that if you give up your perception, you actually have to give yourself up. And I want to tell you that you yourself are right below the perception that you so identify with. And even the truth is exactly the opposite: only if you give up this perception , you will be able to discover yourself because there is the point of connection to the Creator.”
“You don’t understand how much I’m trying to allow this relationship to be restored, I can’t believe that there is someone who works so hard for this to happen.”
“True, you work very hard, but in this way, unfortunately, you will not be successful even in another 20 years if you are not ready to give up this concept of yours. In fact, you can let go of all the efforts you make on all fronts and stop all this energy investment and focus only on work Very specific. Very delicate surgical work that will free you from the place you are imprisoned in.”
“What should I do?” asked Doron.
“You just have to learn to let go and let go. To let go and let go of this concept that you hold on to so hard and realize that when you let go of this concept, you are not giving yourself up, but you are getting the life you had back much, much better. You are holding on to a lifeline that is It actually drowns you, it’s not a plank and it’s not a rescue.”
“How do I do that?” he continued to ask.
“First of all understand that if it is possible in the world then it is also possible for me, slowly you will begin to develop the ability to understand and accept the fact that there are other possible perceptions for such a crisis in the relationship, to understand that everything you have thought and perceived all your life is not necessarily the only perception that can exist and you are able to identify with A different perception, not everything is black and white and there are other shades as well. The fact is, your belief does not allow you to restore the relationship and all the hard facts show that you have every reason today to develop an amazing relationship with her, she makes a real answer, she is in constant work towards the relationship, she wants To fix it and inside you also want it, but you feel that there is something that is much stronger than you. Therefore, first of all, you have to believe and understand that perceptions are not a built-in part of you, they are replaceable. Perceptions are something that can be replaced.”
“How can that be?” asked Doron.
“How you perceived life yesterday is not the same as how you perceive life today, right? Remember how you perceived reality 10 years ago, 20 years ago, etc. Do you understand? You simply feel that if you replace this belief, you will be left with a very existential void It’s difficult and painful. And in my opinion, the despair you feel today is the opportunity of your life to stop this idolatry and start investing your energies in the real right place, because you deserve to be happy and happy.”
“But I was happy and happy in our relationship until she hurt me, why did she do that?”.
“You are right, from the outside the relationship really looked like a perfect relationship, maybe even a perfect relationship, but there was no real unity within the relationship. Now, you deserve to enjoy a much better relationship than you had and to live with a partner who is willing to repair the relationship and fight for you precisely from the hard hurt This, real growth will be created. What needs to be done is to release the old concept, adopt a new and revised belief and tie all the powers of the soul to it.”
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Written in collaboration with Ishii
Hana Dayan – couple and individual therapy in life crises
In the spirit of Jewish psychology
Private clinic in the center
Cares and advises on Zoom as well
Email: [email protected]
Phone: 054-4480705
For all articles: www.hannad.co.il
In collaboration with Hana Dayan
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