[책의 향기]Here’s how to break up with a ‘toxic family member’

2024-05-11 03:51:10

Author who was abused since childhood
Healing wounds after breaking ties with family
Presenting a classification of harmful families and suggesting healthy ways to grieve
◇I decided to cut off my family/Written by Sherry Campbell/Translated by Je Hyo-young/372 pages, 21,000 won, Bored

The book points out that victims of domestic violence can continue to be placed in unhappy environments due to a social atmosphere that values ​​’harmonious families’. The author said, “You can cut ties with toxic family members. “I can take care of my life the way I choose,” he said, emphasizing that there are times when you need the courage to break up with your family for happiness. Getty Images Korea

Only after time passed did I realize the cruel reality. The fact that it was a toxic family. She already knew the truth deep down, but she believed that her mother loved her. But when she sensed that she was being treated differently from the rest of the family, she could tell by the expressions on her face, her body language, and the tone of her voice that her mother showed. 45 years have passed like that. After declaring “I will cut off from my family,” she put it into practice. The author confesses, albeit belatedly, “My life has been healed.”

Like the line from the Netflix drama ‘The Glory’ that says, “Family is the biggest offender,” there are times when the closest family members actually make one’s life difficult. This book introduces the process and method in 16 steps of how the author, who had endured physical and mental abuse from his family since a childhood he could not remember, but completely cut off ties with his family in his mid-40s, was able to break up with his family. do.

First, a classification method of healthy and unhealthy families is presented. Healthy families get upset when they hurt someone, feel guilty, reflect, and try to maintain the relationship. On the other hand, toxic families have the characteristic of not admitting that they are doing something wrong. They shift responsibility by saying things like, “If you were a better or less fussy child, I would have been a better parent,” or they threaten the family through verbal and non-verbal means. Among those who grew up in toxic families, common aftereffects can be found that they have been weighed down by gaslighting (psychological domination) for a long time, have low self-affirmation, and have a tendency to not trust their own judgment.

The author emphasizes that if you want to escape the influence of a toxic family, it is important to set a ‘boundary’ that separates your contact with your family. To achieve this, we suggest methods such as directly revealing your feelings of discomfort to the other person or responding with silence. In particular, in the case of the author, he shares his experience, saying that it was effective to naturally distance himself from the other person by calling them by their name rather than calling them by titles such as mother, father, sister, or brother. The author said, “There is no perfect method. “The key is to voluntarily break off the relationship when you feel it is necessary,” he says.

Of course, it’s not easy. The common negative emotions experienced by those who draw boundaries with their families are ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’. This is because we live with the fundamental wound that ‘I am someone who cannot be loved.’ In times like these, the author recommends “actively grieve.” In the case of those who have been continually abused, they are often accustomed to forgetting or pushing away their sad feelings instead of finding a way to deal with them in a healthy way. Accordingly, we also introduce 9 ways to grieve in a healthy way, such as “You must realize the wrong facts that have been holding you back while crying, sobbing, shaking, screaming, and feeling pain.”

The author says that through separation from his family, he was able to heal his wounds and gain pride in his life. Of course, the sense of loss and the accumulated wounds of not having a family to support me cannot be eliminated all at once, but I emphasize that the process of living a new life actually inspires pride, motivation, and interest.

Although it is a book that introduces how to break up with family, it feels like the same method applies to friends, lovers, and colleagues around you who are harmful to you. As the author points out, “Focus on your own happiness,” this is a book that makes us question whether we have been failing to take care of ourselves by fitting into the framework of various societies, including our families.

Reporter Wonmo Yoo [email protected]

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2024-05-11 03:51:10