2024-02-13 16:44:01
He’s an energy vampire, you know contacts to the minimum necessary
“The right person” is the new special project of “24 hours” about professional success, career growth, personal development, workplace relations, about good practices of employers, about news from the HR sector and management, about vacancies.
Every person loves himself. Self-love and self-confidence are part and parcel of normality. It’s just that you’ve had a colleague who is beyond normal – completely convinced of his superiority over you and over everyone else. He is so excessively self-absorbed and conceited, so unceremoniously trying to swag and get privileges, that you can barely stand him. And you have to work and communicate with him for 8 hours, five days a week.
Don’t let him bully you, don’t bully yourself by getting angry, but don’t support his sense of superiority or give in to his “you all owe me” behavior. Try to get into his psychology and protect yourself from emotional exhaustion.
Nothing personal
First decide firmly that you will not get angry. It’s unpleasant, but that’s life. You don’t get to choose your colleagues. Bad luck has met you with someone who may be a good professional but not a person of value. It happens quite often – if you talk to friends, you will find out that there is at least one of them in every team.
Second, take it for granted that the egoist never thinks of anyone else. Do not consider his attitude personal – it is not to you, but to every being. He is that way by nature and is simply incapable of being otherwise. So don’t try to change it. You won’t succeed, you’ll just waste your time and stress yourself out.
It’s not your job to re-educate him, with his spouse, boyfriend, relatives and friends butting heads. You just have to protect yourself from its harm.
Awarded carelessly
The most important rule for sparing relationships with a selfish colleague is to set a limit.
He is an emotional vampire. It wants your attention but gives nothing in return. If you don’t notice in time, you will begin to neglect your needs at the expense of his. You will listen to his bragging, problems, gossip, do his work and even help him in his personal affairs. That’s what friends always do, and often times – good colleagues too, but there is reciprocity. And the egoist never returns even a gram of what he received. Even from an elementary upbringing, he will not show attention, sympathy, care when you need it. He won’t take a minute to talk about himself, he’ll immediately inject his ego into the topic, whether it’s the project you’re working on together or the manja you cooked last night at home.
So that it does not lead you to devastation, do not be soft-spoken and do not allow it to become a vampire that consumes your energy and emotions.
The surest tactics for communicating with the egoist include 4 points:
1. Limit the time you spend together to the minimum necessaryto do your job. Yours, not his.
On personal matters, don’t let him talk to you. When he starts to brag, delicately excuse himself with busyness. When he starts to complain, mutter something along the lines of “That’s life” and hurry back to your duties.
2. Don’t give him the attention he’s desperate for. Find polite ways to wean him off, because the more he gets, the more he wants. At the same time without feeling a drop of gratitude or making an attempt at reciprocity.
3. Do not give him the word, ie. don’t lose control in conversations with him. Kindly but firmly push the topics that interest you, not him. Focus hard on your subject.
He will run away from you when he realizes you are not cooperating. This is the good thing about the egoist – he needs interest in his persona and is not satisfied with being a “radio” that talks to himself and does not receive a response. When he feels this way, he looks for a more empathetic colleague.
4. Do him no favors under any circumstances. It will really sink into you like a vampire. Nature pushes him towards inhuman efficiency – with a minimum of his efforts to get the maximum benefit for himself. By not allowing him to use you, he will move on to his next victim.
He feeds off your humiliation
In the relationship with a selfish colleague, you need to take into account one more feature. He is worse than a narcissist. People who receive such a name are narcissistic and love to be admired. But they are more harmless because “ah, you’re irresistible” is enough for them. And egoists also need to feel superior to others. They are skilled manipulators who know how to take control of key emotional settings to make you feel inferior or guilty.
You should not get into the game of the colleague who brags, points out his advantages and achievements to make you think that he is something more than you. If he sees that he is succeeding, he becomes bitter and feeds his ego by crushing your self-esteem.
It’s the same if he senses that you feel guilty for not giving him enough attention or letting him use you. Rest assured that as soon as he catches you even flinching, he will increase his manipulative pressure to obsess over you.
A fight with measured irony
It is not bad manners to remind a self-centered person that the world does not revolve around him. It should be with a well-measured dose of irony. After all, he is your colleague, you have to work together, and rudeness will complicate your relationship. As much as you want to cut him off just the way he deserves, throw in with a smile, “Of course we’ll deal with your problem first, you’re the most important” or “Oh, I knew you were great a long time ago.” Be diplomatic, don’t blame him “You don’t care what others think”, but say “Are you ready to listen to me anyway”.
The egoist does not notice other people’s thoughts and emotions, he focuses only on his own. But precisely for this reason, he feels very well any encroachment on them. That is to say, your irony stabs him in his sweetest place – narcissism. And your claim of equality is an attack on his egocentrism.
He will not tolerate such damage to his personality and will limit his business relationship with you to the minimum necessary. This will make him act selfish again, but you already have a strategy to counter him.
How can you recognize him?
His sentences usually start with “I”. You will never hear “we” from his mouth, especially if he reports to the boss what the team has done. “We achieved good results” usually sounds like “I think the results are good. Personally, I did…” And follows a tirade devoted to his own merits.
Don’t get angry, learn. Try to insert yourself into the report by cleverly highlighting your contribution as well.
“How are you” for him is an expression without content. If he even thinks to use it, it’s just an automated cliché. He doesn’t even wait to hear a formal “Thanks, ok”, let alone something of substance. Be content with this on-call response and don’t try to share professional or personal problems because he will ignore you right away and his glassy stare will make you feel humiliated. If you have something to talk about in your general work, ask the question for discussion quite directly.
Avoid asking him “How are you”, because he will explain at length – he thinks he is the center of the universe and everyone is interested in him. Be content only with the inevitable for the good
education “Hello”.
Everyone owes him. He thinks he should work the least and get the most, but you are fighting for your rights. He is convinced that it should be the most comfortable place for him in the office life. And don’t be annoyed by that, just make sure your desk is further away from his. Physical distance from the egoist is also a sparing measure.
In “The right person” – the new special project of “24 hours”, you can read more:
Top 10 habits that you are pushing back at work without realizing it
Phrases that confident people never utter in front of their boss and colleagues
The harmful myths about success
3 boss mistakes, and the damage to you
The road to office hell is also paved with good intentions
When to win with dead fox tactics
Why It’s Stupid to Tell a Coworker “Calm Down”
The most important thing for success is who you associate with in the service
Stereotypes of the mind often hinder success
10 ways to manipulate elegantly
Self-promotion is a subtle skill
How to survive a professional blunder without (more) suffering
And with minor delays you ruin your reputation
If every Monday is your Black Monday
6 specific techniques to neutralize 6 types of toxic colleagues