The simple act of leaving and returning—comings and goings—can stir up surprisingly deep anxieties, even in adulthood. It’s a universal experience, yet often one we don’t fully understand. These anxieties aren’t simply about the logistics of travel or the disruption to routine; they tap into fundamental fears rooted in childhood experiences of powerlessness and the need for approval. Understanding these underlying dynamics can be a crucial step toward navigating life’s transitions with greater ease and self-awareness. The fear of comings and goings, and the anxiety it produces, is a common human experience.
As children, our movements were rarely our own decisions. We were moved to new homes, or family members moved away, often without our input. This early experience can associate comings and goings with a lack of control, creating a sense of vulnerability that lingers into adulthood. The desire for parental approval, a theme that often extends well into our adult lives, further complicates these transitions. As research suggests, many adults continue to seek validation from their parents, even when successful and independent, and this need can significantly influence our choices and self-esteem. This ongoing search for approval can shape career paths, relationship patterns, and even our sense of self-worth, as highlighted in a 2025 article exploring the pull for parental approval and finding self-worth.
The Childhood Roots of Anxiety Around Movement
In childhood, comings and goings often meant a loss of agency. A new school, a new town, a parent’s departure – these events were imposed upon us, leaving us feeling helpless and insecure. This association between movement and powerlessness can create a lasting emotional imprint. The fear isn’t necessarily about the new place itself, but about the feeling of being uprooted and losing control. This can manifest as a fear of losing approval if we “go” – if we make choices that deviate from our parents’ expectations – or a fear of abandonment if they “go” – if they are no longer present to provide security and support.
The Adult Tasks: To Go and To Be
As we mature, the challenge shifts. We are called upon to leave the “safe nest” of our families and forge our own identities. This process of individuation, as it’s known in psychology, requires us to capture risks and make choices that may not align with our parents’ desires. The need for approval, however, doesn’t simply disappear. It can paradoxically coexist with the desire for independence, creating internal conflict. The core adult tasks turn into “to go” – to venture out into the world – and “to be” – to define ourselves on our own terms, regardless of external validation. Successfully navigating these tasks requires confronting the fears associated with both leaving and arriving.
The Three Stages of Transition: Stepping Out, En Route, and Arriving
The anxiety surrounding comings and goings can be broken down into three distinct stages: stepping out, being en route, and arriving. Each stage presents its own unique challenges and triggers different fears. Understanding these stages can help us identify and address the specific anxieties we experience during times of transition.
Stepping Out: The Fear of the Unknown
Leaving the familiar behind is inherently unsettling. It means abandoning the comfort of established routines, relationships, and identities. The fear of standing alone, without the support of our usual networks, is a common experience. We may worry about whether our “tricks and charms” – the behaviors and strategies that have worked for us in the past – will be effective in a new environment. This stage is about confronting the vulnerability of stepping into the unknown and trusting in our ability to adapt and thrive.
En Route: The Gap Between Worlds
The journey itself can be a source of anxiety. When we are traveling, we are often in a liminal space – between where we were and where we are going. We may sense anonymous and disconnected, lacking the special attention or recognition we are accustomed to. This sense of isolation can trigger primitive fears of abandonment, reminding us of our fundamental need for social connection. The openness we sometimes experience with strangers during travel may be an attempt to create a temporary support system, to alleviate the anxiety of being alone.
Arriving: The Demand for Approval
Even upon arrival, the anxiety doesn’t necessarily subside. We may find ourselves preoccupied with how others perceive us and whether they approve of our choices. Do we expect lavish welcomes and elaborate preparations? Do we feel compelled to bring expensive gifts or offer excessive compliments? These behaviors can be indicators of a deep-seated need for validation. Alternatively, arriving with anger or dissatisfaction can also be a sign of underlying anxiety, a way of protecting ourselves from potential disappointment. Examining our arrival style can provide valuable insights into our emotional patterns and our relationship with approval.
navigating the anxieties of comings and goings requires self-reflection and a willingness to challenge our ingrained patterns of seeking external validation. As David Richo suggests, asking ourselves honest questions about our fears and motivations can be a powerful step toward healing and self-acceptance.
As we move through life, transitions are inevitable. Recognizing the emotional complexities inherent in these moments—and understanding their roots in our childhood experiences—can empower us to approach them with greater resilience and self-compassion. The next step in navigating these anxieties is often a conscious effort to cultivate self-validation and prioritize our own needs and desires, rather than seeking approval from others.
If you are struggling with anxiety related to life transitions, consider reaching out to a mental health professional for support. You can find resources and support through the Mental Health America website.
