Vlada Vitko for Media.Monks
Ever since she was 24e Baukje (41) knows that she is a carrier of a gene mutation that increases the risk of getting breast and ovarian cancer. At the beginning of 2021, she goes to the hospital for a preventive check-up and receives bad news: she has breast cancer. The ground is sinking from under her feet, but despite that Baukje enters the treatments full of vigor: ‘I want to live, so I will do everything to eliminate the cancer.’
The diagnose
‘Since I found out that I am a carrier of the BRCA1 mutation, I am under preventive monitoring and undergo annual breast checks in the Antoni van Leeuwenhoek Hospital. At the beginning of 2021 my 15 . wase MRI check and unfortunately there appeared to be an abnormality. Due to the fact that I have the gene mutation and my mother also received a breast cancer diagnosis at 39, I quickly knew that it was wrong. I was called up the very next day for an ultrasound and to take a biopsy. A week later I was officially diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer. Wieke, my best friend went to the diagnosis meeting. A very sad moment. Despite the fact that everyone around me knows about the gene mutation, they all hoped that I would escape the dance. The ground drops from under your feet, but you also get straight into action mode. The treatment plan was presented, starting with six months of chemotherapy, which would start within a few weeks.’
Therapy
‘After the diagnosis you basically have two choices: you do nothing, but then you know for sure that you will die, or you do everything to get better and eliminate the cancer. I like to live, so the choice was easy. That sounds very simple, but that choice came with a lot of fears. I was terrified of chemotherapy and in the weeks and days leading up to my first treatment I could barely think. When the moment came, I was very calm and confident. I visualized it was my army pouring into my veins to destroy the cancer. That helped me a lot. It was in my darkest and most miserable moments that I realized just how resilient and strong I really am. You keep going, because the only goal is to survive. That releases so much power. I often said: “The only way is through it, you have to undergo it and there is light and life at the end of the tunnel”. But during my illness and also during my recovery I found the loneliness the hardest. Despite the fact that I have very sweet and nice people around me, I found it a very lonely period. You are the one who has to go through it and you have to carry it yourself. So on the one hand that is quite lonely, but fortunately it has also made me much stronger. Precisely because you have to do it alone, my self-confidence has grown, I feel much stronger and I have come to love myself much more. In that sense you could say that it has certainly brought me a lot in a positive sense. It has brought me closer to life and I am more in touch with my own feelings. My mother also has at 39e had breast cancer, and the way she got through it and how vigorously she did it has also given me a lot of confidence. She is a huge source of inspiration to me, she is the strongest woman I know.’
mastectomy
‘I knew from the time of diagnosis that I would hand in my breasts. With a breast-conserving operation, the cancer would be gone, but due to the BRCA1 mutation, the risk of getting breast cancer (again) remains very high. I thought it was too high a price to ‘pay’. So even though the chemotherapy had done its job well and the tumor was no longer visible, I chose to give up my breasts. All my arrows were aimed at minimizing my risks in the future, because you don’t want to experience this again. Of course you can never have guarantees, but I wanted to do what was within my capabilities. It’s not that I didn’t like my breasts, quite the contrary. They were beautiful, soft, round, gave me pleasure and I identified with them very much. But despite that, it was the most liberating choice I could make. I now consider myself beautiful, strong and incredibly feminine. Much more than ever before – including scars and no breasts! I wear this body with pride and found out that those breasts didn’t identify me at all. It’s the love and respect I feel for myself that do that.’
Staff
‘Soon after I had the first chemo, I deteriorated a lot. Although I have dear friends who wanted to help, it was not nice to be alone. At one point I barely made it up the stairs, I couldn’t go shopping anymore, I couldn’t leave the door anymore and I felt very bad. From then on I was with my mother most of the time. It was hard for me to give up my independence, but it was so nice to be with her. We are very close and trusted, I can be myself completely and nothing has to be done and everything is allowed. My mother is very calm and has tried to keep everything as ‘normal’ as possible. We really enjoyed being together and did a lot of fun things. My father and brother also supported me very much in the process. They really helped me through it.’
Future
‘At the moment I am no longer ill, so I look forward to my future positively. I’m working on a retraining programme, so the helm is completely changing and I think that’s super exciting. It feels so nice to have more energy again and to have sense and space for new plans. I have many dreams and make plans to make them come true. My life is not what it used to be and in some parts that’s a good thing. I now dare to listen more and better to my feelings and to set my own course. I don’t want my life to be determined by the cancer, I am not my breast cancer. However, the coming years will remain exciting. The type of breast cancer I had has a high risk of recurrence. I keep a close eye on myself, but I don’t live by it. On the other hand, I do worry about my mother because she is terminally ill. I wouldn’t know what to do without her and would like to keep her with us as long as possible. All we can do is enjoy the time we have together and we do that as much as possible. We FaceTime every day and I’m with her every other weekend. Then we enjoy the little things, we go out for dinner, we talk a lot and it’s nice to just be together.’
Pink Ribbon
“I am extremely honored that Pink Ribbon has asked me to participate in the latest campaign and share my story. To see yourself like this a year later (autumn 2021 I was done with the treatments) gives a power boost. I am very grateful to Pink Ribbon for that. Unfortunately, many more women will follow me, as 1 in 7 women will develop breast cancer. I especially hope to inspire young women who are faced with the choice of having their breasts amputated or not. Make choices from your own gut feeling and try not to be guided by what ‘should’ or what others expect of you. If I can only inspire one fellow sufferer, I think that’s already a win. Living without breasts and feeling very feminine and liberated is really possible! Try to learn to embrace your imperfections. Don’t see them as a weakness, but draw strength from them. Be proud of what you are capable of.’
October is breast cancer month at Pink Ribbon. Pink Ribbon is part of KWF Kankerbestrijding and supports patients in every phase of life. Do you want to support Pink Ribbon? Order the Pink Ribbon ‘Omarband’ now and support breast cancer research. You can buy the bracelet for €9.99, of which €4.26 goes directly to Pink Ribbon.