Marcel de Graaf
Do you ever smoke a joint and do you mainly do this because it makes you feel more relaxed and easier to deal with? You’re not alone, I can tell you.
I smoked for years, from my 15th to almost my mid-forties. It seemed like a godsend to me in a world that gave me so much stress and sometimes seemed so hard. I was more comfortable in the groups of people I interacted with, things slipped from me that sometimes took me sober for an eternity, and I was able to hold my own in the midst of a major depression. In short, I functioned better by smoking a joint every now and then. Of course I was a bit drowsy and sluggish the next morning and somehow I knew it wasn’t healthy, but the benefits clearly outweighed the drawbacks.
Pros and cons
To me, smoking weed had clearly become a survival strategy; something I needed to be able to participate in society. If I didn’t light up a joint every now and then, the pressure would get to the point where I drove myself crazy and even got sick. Stress is also very unhealthy.
Well, it more or less worked. I noticed that I was chaotic and had trouble working in a structured way, being on time or finishing things, but I thought that’s just how I was. After all, every bird sings as it is called, right?
But yes, smoking for years, even if it’s just a joint a day or every other day, of course has consequences in the end. I felt it in my heart, my lungs and eventually even my brain. Sometimes, after years of smoking weed, your brain can suddenly stop working when you get stoned. Then you try to say something, but your head remains empty and sometimes it really just takes ten seconds or more for your brain to get going again. That was pretty scary the first time it happened. But then again, you don’t just break a pattern of more than twenty years. And so I continued to smoke weed and more and more often I found that my brain just stopped working. In combination with the other health problems, that was quite worrying for me. I regularly considered quitting weed altogether and sometimes I did, but I always went back to it because I needed it. Until one day…
A happy accident
About three years ago I was emptying the dishwasher. I had left one of the kitchen cabinets above the counter open to quickly put the stuff away. However, I had forgotten that for a while after I had put away a few pans and I got up again at full speed. The bang my head made against the cupboard door was so loud that the cups and mugs fell over in it… And this was a kitchen cupboard that is usually literally stuck to the wall.
Consequence? A severe concussion, which left me out of circulation for at least two months and not even able to go outside. The bright light gave me such shooting pains that I fled back inside like a vampire. That really sucked.
But there was also an unexpected positive side effect: I could no longer smoke weed. When I tried to smoke a joint it felt like my head would explode, so I was forced to quit for two months.
During those two months I not only felt myself recovering from the concussion, but the rest of my body became healthier and eventually, when I was able to smoke weed again, I didn’t want to anymore. Thus, in my case, an emergency became a great virtue.
But why?
Of course it felt good for me to stop smoking weed. I was quite proud of it. Yet there were times when I felt my old complaints come back: tension, depression, uncomfortable social situations and nervous feelings. Those were difficult times at times, but I persevered. Yet there was a real chance that at some point I would, as so many times before, succumb to my desire to be able to turn all those things off for a while. Because let’s be honest: nobody wants to feel depressed or feel uncomfortable, nervous or extremely tense.
After a difficult winter with moments of temptation, I happened to come across a video on Facebook of a woman describing her weekend with ADHD. I had been diagnosed with autism a few years earlier (with which I had apparently also been walking around for about forty years without knowing it), but when I saw that video I recognized a lot: like a headless chicken running around, ten things at once. trying to do and not finishing them all completely, getting constantly distracted, no sense of time, big rush in your head.
I thought to myself, “Is that how someone with ADHD feels? That’s how I feel all the time!” I discussed it with my mental health practitioner, who had me do an ADHD screening and yes: I have ADHD. Then I started taking methylphenidate (better known as Ritalin) and a whole new world opened up for me.
Snow before the sun
Most of my remaining depressive symptoms, which I still suffered quite regularly despite antidepressants, disappeared like snow in the sun and my general mood improved enormously. In addition, I am much more motivated since then, I finish my jobs and I succeed in bringing structure where there was always chaos.
Before, I remembered later, everything I did felt like I was wading through a swamp while I was doing it: it was slower, I could never focus on the task because I was distracted by the environment and everything was so much more tiring. Often after a while I had something in my head like: “Is it almost ready?!” And sometimes I just left things unfinished because I was just starting to get tired (possibly physically and mentally).
Nowadays I finish almost every job in one go, I constantly amaze myself about all the things I try and successfully complete and I see the future with unprecedented positiveness. It really is a night and day difference.
Now I finally know why I thought I needed hash and weed all these years. And now I also know that there are much better alternatives for some people.
Customization
So… If you recognize yourself in my story or part of it; have yourself screened for ADHD and inquire about the possibilities of getting medication from a psychiatrist. There is a real chance that health insurance will not cover the entire cost of your ADHD medication, but whatever you might have to pay extra: it is absolutely worth it.
Well, I have to say that medication in this area is absolutely tailor-made and the results can differ from person to person. Some people do not respond well to Ritalin and feel flattened, have lost appetite, or have other undesirable side effects.
For those people there are dexamfetamine and other drugs that may have the desired effect, but you often have to pay extra for these too. Anyway; the chance to become the best version of yourself you can be in a healthy way… Isn’t that almost priceless?
Of course not everyone who smokes weed has ADHD and not everyone can be helped with medication, but if after reading these words you think “Hey, so am I!”, put down that joint and make an appointment with the mental health care or psychiatrist And ask if you don’t happen to also have ADHD. Who knows, a better, healthier life is just one pill away. Good luck!
From ADHD to better.
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