The Unexpected Effort of Adult Friendship: Why Taking Initiative is Key to Connection
The human need for connection is fundamental, rooted in our earliest experiences and essential for emotional well-being. Yet, as we move from childhood to adulthood, fulfilling this need becomes increasingly complex, demanding a shift in perspective and a willingness to actively cultivate relationships.
From childhood to adulthood, the human being looks for people with whom to relate, feel valued and beloved. Abraham Maslow, an American psychologist known for the theory of the pyramid of human needs, affirmed that, once the basic and security needs are covered, the need for affiliation arises. That is, the desire to belong and be accepted in a group. According to Maslow, this need is not a luxury or a whim, but an essential element for emotional well-being. The lack of acceptance or rejection generates pain, frustration and loneliness, and can even block the development of higher needs, such as self-esteem and self-realization.
Being part of a community – whether friends, family, or a partner – is crucial for feeling supported and recognized. However, the dynamics of connection shift significantly in adulthood. Creating new friendships often proves difficult, as work and family commitments often limit social time. Furthermore, many individuals fall into patterns of passively maintaining relationships, leading to disappointment and unmet expectations, as the reality of adult friendship often diverges from preconceived notions.
The Challenge of Connection in a Busy World
The struggle to forge meaningful connections in adulthood is a common experience. A key obstacle lies in the expectation that belonging should be automatic. Mel Robbins, a recognized coach and author, challenges this assumption with her “Let Them” theory, urging a re-evaluation of how we approach social interactions. Robbins points out that the assumption that inclusion in all group activities is automatic is often unrealistic.
“You expect others to give you the things you want in life. And that’s why you feel tired and exhausted, because you expect them to choose you,” Robbins explains.
She argues that friendship in maturity operates more like an “individual sport,” requiring proactive effort rather than passive waiting. Robbins illustrates this point with her own experience of relocating to Vermont at age fifty after decades in Boston, describing the experience as feeling like the first week of university all over again. “There I discovered that the only way to find your people is actively looking for it and assuming the responsibility of connecting with others,” she says.
Beyond Friendship: Reclaiming Agency in All Areas of Life
This principle extends beyond romantic and platonic relationships. Robbins cautions that we often default to expecting others to take the initiative in various aspects of life – waiting to be chosen, hoping for desired behaviors, anticipating career advancement, or relying on external validation for our social lives and personal paths. This dependence, she argues, is draining and ultimately disempowering, as it places our well-being in the hands of factors beyond our control.
Instead of waiting for others to initiate, Robbins proposes a fundamental shift in perspective: investing expectation in ourselves. This involves asking what we are willing to do, what actions we want to undertake, and how we choose to present ourselves to the world. By relinquishing the need for control or external approval, we unlock a sense of freedom and personal power.
This proactive approach isn’t about abandoning hope for reciprocal connection, but rather about taking ownership of our own happiness and fulfillment. It’s about recognizing that building a fulfilling life – and meaningful relationships – requires intentionality and effort.
