The Unexpected key to Feeling Loved: It Starts With How You love others
Feeling truly loved isn’t simply about receiving affection; it’s deeply intertwined with how we extend it to others. A new understanding of relationships suggests that cultivating our own capacity for compassion and kindness is the most direct path to experiencing authentic and lasting love, rather than solely seeking it.
The Paradox of Love: Being Lovable vs. Feeling Loved
The pursuit of feeling loved can, ironically, leave us feeling empty. According to decades of clinical observation, focusing on being lovable – embodying qualities like compassion and kindness – is far more likely to yield genuine connection. As one expert notes, “If we don’t feel lovable, feeling loved won’t feel authentic or satisfying.” This disconnect can even trigger feelings of guilt or shame, a sense of undeservedness, or an inability to reciprocate.
Consider the adults you admire most.It’s unlikely they are defined by a relentless focus on thier own needs. Instead, they likely embody humility, generosity, and a genuine concern for the well-being of others. These qualities aren’t merely attractive; they are the foundation of a fulfilling life and meaningful relationships.
The Two Faces of Love: Core Value Love vs. Core Hurt Love
Understanding the internal dynamics that shape our approach to love is crucial. Relationships are frequently enough influenced by two contrasting internal states:
- core Value Love: Compassionate, cooperative, responsible, and kind.
- Core Hurt Love: Insecure, needy, disrespectful, resentful, manipulative, and controlling.
The Illusion of Power in Relationships
The conventional wisdom often centers on power dynamics within relationships. However, a growing body of thought suggests this emphasis is misplaced. Experts argue that power struggles actually emerge when underlying values diminish. As Carl Jung famously stated, “Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking.”
Attempting to exert control in a relationship is ultimately self-defeating. True personal power isn’t about domination, but about acting in one’s long-term best interests. A destructive pursuit of power manifests in thoughts like:
- Winning or giving in
- Being right or proving a partner wrong
- Viewing a partner as an opponent
- interpreting apology as submission
In contrast, relationships built on core value love are characterized by mutual respect, compassion, and a shared commitment to each other’s well-being. Partners treat each other as equals, learn from one another, and view apology as an opportunity for reconciliation.
From powerlessness to Empowerment Through Loving Actions
When we prioritize power in love, we inevitably feel powerless and unloved. However, actively practicing loving behaviors – showing appreciation, offering compassion, and extending kindness – fosters a sense of empowerment and reinforces our own lovability.
The Constant Negotiation Within Ourselves
It’s crucial to acknowledge that most individuals experience a fluctuating balance between feeling lovable and unlovable. A helpful self-assessment, frequently enough used by therapists, prompts reflection on which behaviors foster a greater sense of self-liking:
- Do I feel better when improving situations or blaming others?
- Do I feel better when valuing or devaluing people?
- Do I feel better when understanding or judgmental?
- Do I feel better when compassionate or resentful?
- Do I feel better when kind to others or disregarding them?
- Do I feel better when connecting to loved ones or stonewalling them?
- Do I feel better when appreciating loved ones or complaining about them?
- Do I feel better when protecting loved ones or making them feel bad or afraid?
Ultimately, the key to unlocking a more fulfilling experience of love lies not in seeking it, but in becoming the kind of person who naturally embodies and radiates it.
