The commonly held belief that grief unfolds in five distinct stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – has offered comfort to many navigating loss. But increasingly, experts are challenging this framework, arguing it doesn’t reflect the messy, individual reality of bereavement. Instead of a linear progression, grief is often experienced as a complex, fluctuating process without a predictable pattern. This shift in understanding is gaining traction as researchers and clinicians prioritize individualized support over prescriptive models.
Dr. Lucy Hone-Meissner, a resilience psychologist and co-director of the Fresh Zealand Institute of Wellbeing & Inclusion, is among those leading the charge against the “five stages” model. She argues that the framework, popularized by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, was originally intended to describe the feelings of patients facing their own mortality, not those grieving the loss of someone else. As she explained to Stuff, applying it universally can be unhelpful, even harmful, by creating a sense of “failure” if someone’s experience doesn’t neatly fit the prescribed stages.
Beyond the Stages: A More Fluid Reality
The idea that grief follows a set path can lead individuals to question their own emotional responses, believing they are “doing grief wrong” if they don’t experience anger at a certain point, or if acceptance feels unattainable. Hone-Meissner emphasizes that grief is far more individual and can manifest in a multitude of ways. She describes it as more akin to a “wave” – with moments of intense emotion followed by periods of relative calm – rather than a staircase with defined steps. This perspective aligns with contemporary grief theories that emphasize the importance of meaning-making and continuing bonds with the deceased.
Research supports the idea that grief is highly variable. A 2022 study published in the journal PLOS One, analyzing data from over 1,000 bereaved individuals, found no evidence of a universal grief trajectory. The study identified a diverse range of grief patterns, including prolonged grief disorder, resilient grief, and common grief, highlighting the require for personalized support.
What Does This Indicate for Those Who Are Grieving?
If the five stages aren’t a reliable roadmap, what guidance can be offered to those navigating loss? Hone-Meissner advocates for a focus on self-compassion and allowing oneself to feel whatever emotions arise, without judgment. She suggests prioritizing self-care, seeking support from loved ones, and engaging in activities that bring a sense of meaning and purpose.
“Grief isn’t about ‘getting over’ someone,” Hone-Meissner explains. “It’s about learning to live with the loss and finding ways to integrate it into your life story.” This involves acknowledging the pain, honoring the memory of the deceased, and finding ways to continue the relationship in a new form.
The Impact of Societal Expectations
The persistence of the five stages model is partly due to its simplicity and widespread cultural adoption. It provides a seemingly neat and tidy framework for understanding a profoundly complex experience. Yet, this simplicity can similarly be limiting, reinforcing societal expectations about how grief “should” look. These expectations can be particularly damaging for individuals whose grief deviates from the norm, leading to feelings of isolation and shame.
the emphasis on “acceptance” as the final stage can inadvertently minimize the ongoing pain of loss. While finding a way to live with grief is essential, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the pain disappears entirely. Instead, it suggests a shift in perspective, where grief becomes a part of one’s identity, rather than something to be overcome.
Hone-Meissner also points out that the model doesn’t adequately address the complexities of ambiguous loss – situations where the deceased’s body is not recovered, or their fate remains uncertain. In these cases, the lack of closure can prolong the grieving process and create unique challenges.
Seeking Support and Resources
For those struggling with grief, a range of resources are available. The Grief Recovery Method offers support groups and workshops designed to help individuals process their loss. Their website provides information about their programs and resources.
organizations like the National Alliance for Children’s Grief (NACG) provide support for children and families coping with loss. The NACG website offers a directory of grief support programs for children and teens.
If you are experiencing overwhelming grief or are having thoughts of harming yourself, please reach out for help. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available 24/7 by calling or texting 988 in the US and Canada, and by calling 111 in the UK. More information can be found at 988lifeline.org.
The evolving understanding of grief emphasizes the importance of individualized support and self-compassion. As research continues to shed light on the complexities of bereavement, the focus is shifting away from prescriptive models and towards a more nuanced and empathetic approach to helping those who are grieving. The next step in this evolution will likely involve further research into the neurobiological underpinnings of grief and the development of more targeted interventions.
What are your experiences with grief? Share your thoughts in the comments below, and please consider sharing this article with anyone who might find it helpful.
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