Toronto – April 26, 2024 – After nearly 15 years of consistency, a Pakistani Canadian journalist paused her gym membership last month, a decision that sparked a reckoning with the pressures of self-optimization adn a shifting definition of health.
The Unexpected Relief of Hitting Pause on a Fitness Routine
For many, the gym is a sanctuary. But what happens when that sanctuary becomes a source of anxiety?
- For years, working out was a way to manage weight and feel powerful, but it morphed into a system of self-surveillance.
- A fitness tracker, initially motivating, fueled feelings of guilt and shame on rest days.
- Pausing the gym membership brought relief and a chance to redefine health beyond strict exercise regimes.
- The experience highlights the importance of self-kindness and accepting that optimizing every aspect of life isn’t necessary.
What’s the link between fitness and mental health? For Zahra Khozema, a long-held dedication to physical fitness ultimately triggered mental health challenges, demonstrating that even positive habits can become detrimental when driven by guilt or external pressures.
Growing up, Zahra Khozema was often identified by her body shape. As one of three sisters, extended family frequently commented on her weight, using nicknames like “bulldozer” or “fluffy.” While initially perceived as affectionate,these comments eventually stung.
By age 12, she was wearing her mother’s clothes while her sisters shopped in the teen section, learning early that taking up physical space invited scrutiny. Despite this, movement remained joyful throughout her childhood-skipping rope, biking, and climbing at recess were constant pleasures.Even in high school, she participated enthusiastically in gym class.
A diagnosis of polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) at 17 shifted her relationship with exercise. Doctors cautioned her about weight fluctuations and the increased risk of heart disease and cancer, conditions that ran in her family. Exercise became less about enjoyment and more about duty.
Not Working Out Was Not an Option
By university, the gym was non-negotiable. She’d dedicate three to four hours a week to running and weightlifting, even during exams and holidays. She ran races, training for them meticulously. “Not working out was not an option,” she recalls. “It felt like letting down my future self.”
This dedication continued into her career as a journalist. The gym became a space to manage stress and maintain control.She tracked her steps religiously,aiming for 10,000 steps a few times a week. Since her last gym workout on July 26, 2024, her body hasn’t drastically changed, but she’s embraced a more relaxed approach.
She anticipates perhaps returning to the gym in April, as summer approaches and societal pressures resurface. But she hopes to approach it with a newfound sense of self-compassion,recognizing that returning doesn’t have to mean returning to guilt. Health, she’s learning, is about self-kindness, prioritizing her career and well-being, and accepting that she doesn’t need to optimize every aspect of her life. Discipline, she concludes, can be gentle.
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