The Everlasting “Doing Word”: Rethinking Marriage After 26 Years
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A marriage isn’t a single event, but a continuous series of commitments woven into the fabric of daily life, according to one writer reflecting on nearly three decades with her husband. The traditional notion of a wedding day as the definitive start of a marriage is challenged in a candid exploration of love, loss, and the enduring power of shared experience.
The Post-Christmas Wedding Bargain
For many, December 27th signifies the tail end of holiday festivities – a time for recovery, not celebration. One author openly admits to never marking her wedding anniversary on that date, stating, “What would be the point? No one wants a ‘special day’ two days after Christmas: we’re knackered, fat and broke.” This pragmatic outlook stems from the reality of their own wedding, a financially driven decision made 26 years ago to capitalize on end-of-December venue deals near Coventry. The result, she recalls, was a guest list oscillating between “puzzled,” “very bloated,” and “openly resentful and hostile.”
Beyond the Legal Moment
Despite the less-than-ideal atmosphere, the author acknowledges the wedding “got the job done.” However, she argues that the ceremony itself held little significance. “You get married in part works,” she writes, emphasizing that marriage isn’t defined by a single legal moment or a frugal event. By the time she walked down the aisle and took her husband Pete’s hand – he was visibly anxious, reportedly calmed with Scotch by the priest – they had already, in her view, been married “a dozen times over” during four years of courtship, from 1995 to 1999.
The First Spark: A Matter of Instinct
The author suggests that the foundations of their connection were laid even earlier, perhaps even at first sight. She reflects on a “beast-brain” instinct, a hormonal recognition that signaled, “This one good. Stay with this one.” Yet, she also acknowledges the importance of countless smaller moments that solidified their bond.
Building a Life, One Moment at a Time
These moments are vividly recounted: a shared laugh leading to a tumble from a boat, a generous gesture of offering his bed, toothbrush, and a whimsical nightgown to a friend, followed by a breakfast of croissants and fresh orange juice – a novel experience for the author. These early interactions, filled with playful pretense and a desire to present themselves as adults, were formative. A photograph from 2001 shows the couple with their elder daughter, Dora, capturing a snapshot of their growing family.
A particularly poignant memory involves a near-accident at Fort William train station in 1996, where Pete’s protective reaction – “utter terror; utter horror; a sudden Clark-to-Superman surge of action” – revealed the depth of his love. She realized he valued her well-being above his own.
Love as a Verb
The author frames love not as a feeling, but as a series of actions. “Love is a verb, a doing word,” she asserts, citing examples like painting a ceiling, caring for a dog, and envisioning a future family. These shared experiences, these small vows, built the foundation of their relationship.
A Silent Vow in the Wake of Loss
However, their journey wasn’t without heartbreak. A planned announcement during their wedding reception – a surprise pregnancy – was tragically overshadowed by devastating news. Just days before Christmas Eve, an ultrasound revealed no heartbeat, and the author underwent emergency surgery. In the aftermath, amidst physical and emotional pain, they reaffirmed their commitment in a quiet, unspoken moment. “That night – both so sore – Pete and I crawled into the new bed…and took the ring boxes from the suitcase. We said nothing – just slipped the rings on right there, all four hands wet with tears. That was when we got married really.”
Renewed Joy and Everlasting Unions
Three years later, the arrival of a new baby and a toddler brought renewed joy. Even though they had formally exchanged vows, the author believes each milestone – each new addition to their family – represented another wedding, another reaffirmation of their love. “You don’t just get married on one day,” she concludes. “Wedding is a doing word.”
