The term “monitoring spirit” is gaining traction online, particularly on platforms like TikTok, YouTube and Instagram. It describes the unsettling feeling that someone you consider a friend is subtly observing your life, gathering information without genuine engagement, and perhaps harboring envy beneath a veneer of support. This phenomenon taps into a growing anxiety about the authenticity of connections in the digital age, and a sense that online interactions don’t always translate to real-life support.
It’s a feeling many can relate to. How often have you noticed a friend consistently viewing your stories or posts without offering a comment or direct message, only to later bring up details about your life in conversation? This disconnect—between online observation and offline interaction—can be deeply unsettling, prompting questions about the true nature of the relationship. The rise of this concept reflects a broader unease about the performative aspects of social media and the potential for hidden agendas within our networks.
Underlying this trend is a stark reality: loneliness is on the rise. According to a recent study by the American Psychological Association, more than six in 10 U.S. Adults report feeling lonely, and a majority cite societal division as a significant source of stress. Over half of adults (54%) feel isolated, 50% feel left out, and 50% report lacking companionship often or some of the time. This suggests a deep-seated craving for connection, coupled with a struggle to find genuine relationships in a world increasingly mediated by screens. Social media, while offering a semblance of connection, can inadvertently create a buffer, fostering surface-level interactions rather than deep, meaningful bonds.
Navigating Suspicion and Seeking Clarity
So, how do we navigate these murky waters? Meghan Watson, a psychotherapist and founder of Bloom Psychology & Wellness, suggests reframing the conversation. “My perspective is less about debating whether the concept [of monitoring spirits] is real and more about whether it is useful for people as they try to make sense of their relationships,” Watson explains. She cautions against rushing to judgment, emphasizing the importance of curiosity and open communication. “When we move too quickly toward labels rooted in suspicion or fear, we can lose opportunities for curiosity and connection. In therapy, I would be less focused on validating the phrase itself and more interested in what it represents for the person using it. What are they noticing? What feels unsettling? What do they actually need in the relationship?”
Watson points out that shifts in engagement, particularly in friendships formed or maintained through social media, often stem from factors like capacity, boundaries, or simply changing life circumstances, rather than malicious intent. Approaching these changes with curiosity, rather than accusation, can foster understanding and emotional safety. It’s a reminder that people’s lives evolve, and their online presence may reflect those changes without necessarily signaling a decline in affection or support.
Reading the Room and Recognizing Patterns
Carmen Jones, founder and CEO of The Black Girl Social Club (BGSC), agrees with the need for careful consideration, but also emphasizes the importance of trusting your intuition. “As Black women, we’ve always known how to read a room. We understand when something feels off,” Jones states. She describes the pattern of someone consistently observing your content without offering genuine engagement—watching stories without checking in, celebrating privately but not publicly—as “interesting choices.” While these patterns don’t automatically indicate harmful intent, they warrant further examination of the friendship’s dynamics.
Jones highlights the value of viewing online behavior as data. However, she cautions against prematurely labeling someone a “monitoring spirit” without considering their offline behavior. “Some people love loudly offline and move quietly online,” she explains. The real issue arises when digital presence becomes performative—when someone maintains proximity to monitor your growth without actively participating in it. “That’s not friendship; that’s proximity without responsibility,” Jones asserts.
The Importance of Clarity and Open Communication
Cultivating strong friendships in the digital age requires clarity and intentionality. Jones believes many people haven’t adjusted their behavior to reflect the realities of modern relationships. “The truth is, how we engage with our friends online matters,” she says. However, if someone has consistently shown up in your life offline, offering support and care when it mattered most, they are likely a genuine friend who may simply need guidance on navigating online engagement. Having an open conversation about your concerns can be a powerful step toward strengthening the connection.
Social media is now an integral part of daily life, influencing our thoughts, behaviors, and relationships. How our friends engage with us online provides valuable insight into the nature of those connections. Here are some key considerations, as outlined by Jones and Watson:
Signs of Emotional Availability vs. Performative Engagement
“Real friends don’t perform,” Jones emphasizes. “The real issue is that people can’t distinguish among their close friends, associates, acquaintances, casual friends, and, at this point, their social media friends. Real friends support their friends, period. They notice their friend post good news on social media and ‘like’ it. They interact online in ways a friend might. They are sharing reels via DM; they’re sharing content you know you’ve worked hard on. These are people who will be unwavering in ways acquaintances or social media friends will not be. It’s important to understand the difference between friends and supporters. Close friends should always be supporters online and off, but supporters don’t have to be close friends.”
The Value of Distance and Boundaries
“Creating distance can feel like a form of self-respect, especially in a culture that equates constant access with care,” Watson notes. “Sometimes distance reflects a need for rest, steadiness, or emotional capacity rather than a lack of investment. When there’s trust underneath, space doesn’t automatically mean disconnection.”
Nurturing Meaningful Connections
“Go outside!” Jones exclaims. “This topic is one of the main reasons I created The Black Girl Social Club. I realized that people had grow too dependent on social media to fill a void, and that community is something you have to build and actively participate in. How we engage online is usually not how we engage in person. Practice your conversational skills and relearn how to approach people and introduce yourself. Once you’ve made some connections out in the wild, it’s important to maintain them. If you really want meaningful friendships, you have to make an effort to reach out and engage. Another thing you’re going to have to do is let your guard down.”
As we continue to navigate the complexities of relationships in the digital age, prioritizing genuine connection, open communication, and a healthy dose of curiosity will be essential. The question isn’t simply whether someone is a “monitoring spirit” or a true friend, but rather, how can we cultivate relationships that are built on trust, support, and authentic engagement, both online and off. The BGSC continues to foster these connections through in-person events and community building initiatives, demonstrating the enduring power of real-world interaction.
Moving forward, it will be important to observe how these dynamics evolve as social media platforms continue to change and as individuals adapt their online behaviors. The next step in understanding this phenomenon may come from further research into the psychological effects of social media on relationships and the development of strategies for fostering healthier online interactions.
What are your experiences with online friendships? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
