2023-11-29 18:18:32
Cecilia Martí and Eva Bach show that hate, pain, fear and all the conflicting and hurtful emotions of separations can be channeled through understandings and perspectives that make them easier and bearable, and in turn, open paths for us to guide the ruptures in the relationship. direction of love, well-being and growth.
WHO ARE THEY
Eva Bach Cobacho (Manresa, 1963). She graduated in Educational Sciences from the University of Barcelona. She is a teacher, therapist and family counselor, pedagogical advisor, trainer of trainers and mother of two children. She is the author of several books, including Assertiveness, Adolescents, and How to Take Care of Emotional Health.
Cecilia Marti (Murcia, 1950). She is a teacher, a university specialist in Family Guidance and Mediation, a therapist in Family Constellations, a diploma in Systemic Pedagogy and a master’s degree in Humanistic Psychotherapy. She is co-author of As Close as Possible, Bases for a Healthy Emotional and Sexual Education, and The Divorce That Unites Us, with Eva Bach.
As its title says, how is it possible for a divorce to unite?
We say that divorce unites parents by looking at their children; The couple separates, which is the one who stops living together. It is not easy, but it is not impossible to do it well either. We recognize that at the stage when the couple separates there will be a series of emotions, logically, pain, anger, guilt; A very deep emotional internal world will be moved, both for the one who leaves and for the one who stays. Also if the two have decided to separate by mutual agreement, there will be that emotional movement. But we don’t have to stay there, we have to live it, recognize it and transcend it. It is a growth process too; to realize that after that divorce we have learned many things. We also do not know that this process or stage of grief is going to be there in the middle of this separation, but when it is done from an adult perspective of the soul, of the heart and we look at the children, all that is relegated, not covered, to the side. which can then be worked on.
In divorce and separations, what leaves more painful traces: the mortgage, the children or simply the lack of love?
When a couple separates, not only are two people separated, but an entire project is abandoned. When we have decided to get married at a given moment, we have made a couple’s plan, a life to share with another person. Logically, the pain is because that project that we had imagined is broken, although many times it is not even shared with the other, sometimes it is individual to each person.
“What keeps a couple together, apart from love, are shared values”
What is the most intense pain?
When you leave your children and when you have to tell them; The feeling of now what are we going to do with them appears. On the other hand, the mortgage sometimes, unfortunately, unites. There are couples who say that they cannot separate because they have a ten-year mortgage, they are chained. They have to pay it together, because they cannot individually, but they have to look for other resources, which is why they have to sit down so many times to see how they can separate themselves in the best possible way. Because staying in a relationship to pay a mortgage is very sad.
Previous generations have been educated to hold on a little longer, to think again…
Those of us who are of a certain age come from a generation in which no one separated; my grandparents and my parents never did. There were some cases, but in my environment there was no divorce or separation; They all spent their entire lives together.
Is a good separation better than a bad coexistence?
Yes, it is best for a couple to divorce consciously, to talk, ask for help and not do it hastily. When they see that the situation is unsustainable because it leads to lack of respect, to that lack of love, it is better to leave it.
Is it possible that we are trivializing divorce?
Sometimes it may be seen as something natural, something that everyone does, something that is easy to do, because it costs much less now. In the past, before agreeing to a divorce you had to make a separation; a year of separate life was required. The objective was that during that year they would think about whether they really wanted to take that step. Not now, a divorce can be done online. The purpose is that if one day, for some reason, one or both of them decide that they do not want to continue, they should separate from that love that started the relationship.
“A separation is better than a bad coexistence, in which it can lead to a lack of respect”
The mortgage, where one or the other is going to live, relationships with families… are very secondary to the consequences they leave on the children. Would continuing to live together be better or worse for them?
Continuing to live together, if the relationship is not good, is not worth it because the children will suffer more when they see those arguments. When they decide that they are going to separate, it must be discussed between adults. The way to resolve the housing issue is very important; There are people who have two and it is easier, but you have to decide how the least harm will be done to the children. See if it is better for them to stay in the home they know, if they are going to opt for shared or exclusive custody. When there are no two homes, one of the two leaves the family home and has to rent, buy or, in many cases, return to the parents’ house. It is a very difficult problem for one of the members of the couple.
Who would you most recommend reading this book to?
Especially to those who are thinking about separating and don’t know how to do it. We guide them how to do it by mutual agreement so that their children live it much more lovingly. It is a way of saying to our children: we still love you even if we separate. But it is a book aimed at all couples, even if many of them do not meet these requirements, because they have good communication and respect. It is not even just for people who are thinking about separating, but for people who want to live together, but lack information on how to do it better to avoid separation.
Couldn’t it turn out that reading your book many would simply decide not to get married?
Many couples tell us after reading the book that if they had known everything we discussed they would not have gotten married. But no, we are not saying that the couple has no future, nor that the family is going to break up. In 2005, psychiatrist Rojas Marcos commented that starting in 2020, almost 80% of couples, even before getting married, would separate. With one I would have children, with another I would do projects, with another personal training; that they were going to have four or five formal partners throughout their lives. Every day I receive more couples in the consultation who tell us that they have lived with three or four and that they want it to be the last. That’s why we look with them at what things need to be done differently so that each relationship is not a failure, because you really learn with each couple. If we look at it carefully, we live differently and we become a little wiser; We know what we have done and what we do not have to repeat; It is a process of growth and learning.
#separating #pay #mortgage #sad