The human experience is, at its core, a pursuit of desire. From the mundane choices of what to eat for breakfast to the life-altering decisions about career and relationships, our desires shape our paths. But what happens when those desires perceive unfulfilled, or even misdirected? A new book, Desire: The Longings Inside Us and the New Science of How We Love, Heal, and Grow, by licensed therapist and researcher Jay Stringer, explores this question, suggesting that understanding our deepest longings is key to a more meaningful and connected life. Stringer’s work, informed by a national study of over 4,000 adults, posits that our struggles aren’t flaws to be fixed, but rather signposts pointing toward healing and growth.
We make roughly 35,000 decisions each day, largely driven by these desires, and often without conscious awareness of the underlying forces at play, according to Stringer.1 This constant navigation of wants and needs can abandon us feeling perpetually unsatisfied, chasing fleeting pleasures that never deliver lasting fulfillment. The book argues that learning to understand and harness our desires—rather than fearing or blindly following them—is crucial for cultivating connection, purpose, and love. But desires aren’t static; they evolve throughout our lives, shifting in emphasis as we age and gain experience.
The Shifting Landscape of Desire Across the Lifespan
Research indicates that the nature of our desires changes as we move through different stages of life. Younger adults are often motivated by a “growth motive,” a drive to find purpose and direction, to establish themselves in the world.2 This can manifest as ambition, a thirst for knowledge, or a desire for social impact. Yet, as we mature, the focus often shifts. Stringer’s research suggests that older adults flourish when living authentically, having found purpose and mastered skills. This isn’t necessarily about achieving grand ambitions, but about living in alignment with one’s values and finding contentment in the present moment.
External influences also play a significant role in shaping our desires. Advertising, for example, constantly bombards us with messages about what we *should* want, often creating artificial needs and fueling a cycle of consumption. Recognizing these external pressures is the first step toward reclaiming ownership of our own desires and aligning them with our true values.
Five Core Longings: A Framework for Understanding
Stringer identifies five core longings that underpin our human experience: wholeness, growth, intimacy, pleasure, and meaning. The desire for wholeness, he explains, is a deep-seated need to heal past wounds and make sense of our personal history. This often involves excavating childhood experiences and addressing unresolved trauma. Stringer emphasizes the importance of parents cultivating a child’s self-expression, rather than imposing their own unfulfilled dreams or burdens.
The desire for growth, meanwhile, reflects our innate drive to evolve and become the best versions of ourselves. This isn’t about striving for perfection, but about embracing challenges, learning from our mistakes, and developing a tolerance for discomfort. Stringer describes this process as exchanging trauma for triumph, and cultivating a strong sense of identity that can withstand life’s inevitable ups and downs.
Intimacy and Pleasure: Beyond the Surface
Intimacy, according to Stringer, is about a profound desire to be known and to recognize another deeply. It’s a vulnerability that requires personal growth and a willingness to embrace both the joys and the challenges of connection. He cites therapist David Schnarch, who notes that “Nobody’s ready for marriage—marriage makes you ready for marriage,” highlighting the transformative power of committed relationships.3 Intimacy isn’t about finding the “perfect” partner, but about growing *with* a partner, navigating conflict, and becoming the best versions of ourselves together.
The desire for pleasure, often misunderstood, is not simply about physical gratification. Stringer argues that true pleasure emerges from revelation, provocation, and healing. He points out that sexual difficulties can actually be indicators of a deeper capacity for intimacy and pleasure, and that sex, when approached with intention and vulnerability, can be a profoundly restorative experience. His work acknowledges the prevalence of sexual dysfunction, infidelity, and problematic habits like pornography use, noting that research suggests pornography use can nearly double the probability of divorce.3
The Quest for Meaning: Finding Our Place in the World
Finally, the desire for meaning drives us to seek clarity, purpose, and a sense of belonging. This involves identifying what truly matters to us, embracing our values, and contributing to something larger than ourselves. Stringer encourages readers to “find their village,” cultivate meaningful friendships, and embrace vulnerability as essential components of a fulfilling life. His directives—to find community, recognize the cyclical nature of life and death, and to remember our inherent beauty—offer a path toward lasting contentment.
Desire offers a comprehensive framework for understanding the complex interplay of our longings, incorporating real-life anecdotes, research findings, and practical tools for self-discovery. Readers will find charts illustrating concepts like growth mindset and differentiation of self, providing a visual guide to navigating these internal landscapes. Stringer’s approach is both insightful and compassionate, offering a hopeful message: that our struggles are not obstacles to overcome, but opportunities for growth and transformation.
As we navigate an increasingly complex world, understanding our desires—and learning to align them with our values—is more important than ever. Stringer’s work provides a valuable roadmap for this journey, offering a path toward a more authentic, connected, and meaningful life. The book is available for pre-order now, with a full release expected in the coming months.
Disclaimer: This article provides information for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice. If you are struggling with issues related to desire, relationships, or mental health, please consult with a qualified healthcare provider.
What resonates most with you from Stringer’s framework of core longings? Share your thoughts in the comments below, and please share this article with anyone who might find it helpful.
