2024-03-29 15:03:27
In the book published in Lithuanian, readers will find advice, memorable stories of people who have tried schema therapy, and carefully prepared tasks, by completing which they will be able to better understand their real needs and begin to solve troubling emotional problems. This book will be of interest not only to those attending therapy, but also to those interested in it.
We invite you to read an excerpt from the book.
Blaming father mode
And in this case, great demands are placed on the person, only this time they are related to how he should feel and behave in certain social situations. People who are characterized by this inner state feel that they must do everything for others, never criticize anyone and be kind. They think they are responsible for the well-being of others. If you don’t take care of it, you feel guilty. People whose profession is related to social work, such as doctors, psychotherapists, social workers, nurses, are very often characterized by the blaming parent mode.
An example
Anita works as a psychotherapist and her clients love her very much. She is perfectly able to empathize with another person’s situation, understand his problems, support him, encourage him and cheer him up. However, Anita often finds herself unable to distance herself from others, even when she desperately needs to. The same applies to work and personal life. She takes care of everyone, although she realizes that it is too much for her. But when she refuses to do it, she feels guilty and unloved.
Anita’s mother suffered from depression. When she got sick, she closed herself off from the whole world, even her children. Anita always tried to cheer her up or at least squeeze out the slightest smile. Therefore, even now, she feels that she is responsible for the well-being of others, if she does not make sure that all the people around her are happy and satisfied, no one will love her.
PARENTIFICATION. Anita’s case is a typical example of how the blaming father regime is formed. A parent with a mental illness (usually depression) is usually emotionally demanding. Then, from an early age, the child feels responsible for others, especially for their moods and well-being. If a person has a mental illness, other family members get tired of it and withdraw. In this case, for example, the daughter remains alone with her mother; it is her duty to cheer up her mother. Psychologists call such a phenomenon → parentification, when a child prematurely assumes the role of an adult, especially in the social and emotional sphere.
Similarly, it can happen to parents who are divorcing, when the child becomes like a garbage can – one of the parents pours out on him all his dissatisfaction with the marriage or spouse. Then the child quickly assumes the role of adviser, comforter or mediator, even though he should not be doing so according to his age. If he does not succeed in this role, for example, if he does not make his father happy, he feels guilty and burdens himself with the responsibility to try even harder. The child does not understand that this is not his task, because he is too young for it. He takes it for granted and develops a blaming father mode for life.
LEARNING BY EXAMPLE. This mode can also be formed by learning from an example. People with an extremely strong blaming father regime often lived in childhood homes where everyone in the family targeted one person, such as a depressed mother. Another example told: “In front of Dad/Grandma/Grandpa, we have to constantly pretend that we are happy and content and that we love him very much!” No matter how we really feel, we have to play the intended role. The child must show submissiveness, friendliness, joy, etc., although he does not really feel it. If such a person, already as an adult, shows that he does not like relationships with each other, a strong feeling of guilt may arise.
An example
Anna works as a nurse. She is always calm, reserved and in a good mood, which is why those around her like her. However, she notices that some patients make her extremely tired and stressed. Then she begins to rush feverishly, and if the patient still remains dissatisfied, she feels bad. Those patients are usually domineering, make high demands. Anna’s father was like that too. When he wasn’t home, life seemed beautiful. But when he returned, other family members tried their best not to spoil his mood, so that he wouldn’t get angry and attack everyone. No one told Ana to do this, she had already observed such behavior from her mother in her early childhood.
In extreme cases, the child may experience that the situation, when he does not fulfill the emotional role assigned to him, becomes dangerous. For example, daughters of alcoholics often report that their fathers, especially when intoxicated, became unpredictable, irritable and even resorted to violence. If the mother cannot separate herself from the father, she often behaves submissively so as not to annoy him. Adult children of such families, when trying to express their needs or criticize their partner, often experience a vague sense of danger, even if objectively they have nothing to worry about.
Which usually results in blaming parent mode
- Parentification: A parent, sibling, or sibling was sick or mentally unstable, so the child gets used to feeling responsible for their well-being early on.
- Learning by example: A young child learns from family members that certain rules of behavior must be followed in order to please one particular person.
- If a child or other family members interfered with that person’s needs or moods, they were threatened in one way or another.
How to recognize a blaming parent mode
The following statements can help you determine if you are in the blaming parent mode:
- I try very hard to please others just to avoid conflict, discord or rejection.
- If I make another person angry, then I am a bad person.
- I force myself to be more responsible than most people.
When communicating with a person who is constantly dealing with an inner accusing father, one gets the impression that he does not need to adapt so much to others, he could talk about his own needs more often. However, after saying this, you feel that the interlocutor does not accept your words, although he would like to change something. This incessantly accusing inner voice is much like the scolding of an achievement-seeking parent.
2024-03-29 15:03:27