2024-03-25 06:08:34
the power of tears[2]
It deals with stories about things deep in the heart. In life, you may wonder, ‘Why on earth is this happening?’ ‘Why can’t my mind do what it wants?’ Please let us know any questions you have by emailing us (best@donga.com). Let’s think about it together.
“No, not a single person on earth is on my side!”
Kim Soo-hyun (played by Baek Hyun-woo), the male protagonist of the recently aired tvN drama ‘Queen of Tears’, bursts into tears while drinking beer in front of his friends. He desperately wants to divorce his wife, but he is upset that things don’t go his way. He laments that it was his mistake to have met his wife in the first place, saying, “I twisted my life.”
It is rare to see an adult male crying loudly in front of others, not in dramas but in real life. This is because of the prejudice against men who cry a lot. So, no matter how difficult it is, I am more accustomed to vowing that I will overcome it with my life rather than crying in front of others. The same goes for women who are relatively tolerant of tears. I worry that if I cry in front of others, I will be seen as weak and emotional.
However, the last article (“Even if I’m lonely or sad, I don’t cry~” Rather, you have to cry to be happy?), as we saw, holding back tears is harmful to both body and mind. Just as it is important to laugh well and live with a positive attitude, it is also very important to release negative emotions through tears. In the end, clenching my molars and living with a poker face and pretending like nothing is wrong doesn’t help me in the end.
●How much do Koreans cry?
When was the last time you shed tears? It doesn’t matter if you cry while watching a drama or movie. Days, weeks, months ago? Or if you have to go back a few years, there’s a problem. In particular, many men cannot even remember when they last cried.
When viewed globally, regardless of gender, Korea is a country where people cry relatively less. I wonder if it is possible to compare how much people cry by country, but surprisingly, there is a study that analyzed the tendency to cry by country. Dutch researchers conducted the ‘International Study on Adult Crying (ISAC)’ targeting 37 countries. Among the 5,715 experiment participants recruited from around the world, 415 were Korean.
The researchers had the experiment participants keep a tear diary for a certain period of time about when, how, and under what circumstances they cried. Based on this, the ‘tear tendency’ of each country, which indicates how often people cry, was expressed as a numerical value. The higher the score, the more likely you are to cry out of 10. In addition, to compare the characteristics of each country, we looked at gross domestic product (GDP), population density, political situation, religion, mental illness incidence, happiness index, and personality test results.
1. Brazil
2. Sweden
3. Italy
4. Germany
…
19. Korea, Israel, Ghana
…
29. China
…
35. Nigeria
36. Japan
37. Malaysia
Source: Ranking calculated by processing data from the International Study on Adult Crying (ISAC).
The average score for Korean men and women’s tendency to cry was 4.54 points. If 37 countries are listed in order based on average score, it ranks 19th. It ranks tied with Ghana and Israel. First place was Brazil, followed by Sweden, Italy, and Germany.
● Politics-Culture Cry more in a free country
At first glance, you might think, “Wouldn’t we cry more in environments where there is a lot of sadness and pain?” A question may arise. From that perspective, it seems like a disgrace to be ranked high on the list of people who cry a lot. In fact, even the researchers who conducted this study thought this way before analyzing the data. It was believed that there would be more cases of crying in countries that were economically difficult, politically oppressed, and suffered from a lot of depression. It is based on the premise that ‘tears = pain’.
However, when we analyzed the results, it was the exact opposite of what we expected. It was not that people cried more in countries where it was difficult to live, but rather that they tended to cry more in countries where living conditions were quite good. Why?
Specifically, the higher the degree of political democratization, the more economically wealthy, and the stronger the individualistic tendencies, the more people tended to cry. The researchers interpreted this to be because in countries with developed democracy, individuals are less oppressed and can act freely. In addition, the reason why people cry more in countries with strong individualistic tendencies is believed to be because there is a social atmosphere in which each person’s free expression of emotions is respected.
Additionally, in terms of individual personality traits, countries with stronger assertiveness and higher sociability cried more. This can be understood in the sense that emotions are vented out rather than held in and suppressed. The subjective happiness index they responded to was high because they expressed their emotions well without hiding them and lived with social acceptance.
From this perspective, it can be said that ‘tears = freedom of expression’ rather than ‘tears = pain’. In other words, you can cry easily when you feel less social rejection of expressing yourself. Unfortunately, the researchers analyzed that it is difficult to cry freely in a single culture with high population density and culturally homogeneous members. Because we care too much about each other’s behavior, we worry about how we will appear and feel limited in expressing our emotions. The same goes for cases where men’s emotional expression is restricted due to strong gender stereotypes. It can be seen that Korea falls into this category to a large extent.
However, China (29th) and Japan (36th), which are geographically close to us and share similar cultures, ranked much lower than Korea. What’s different?
It is analyzed that China is not politically free, and the social atmosphere in which freedom of expression is greatly restricted is at play. The researchers comprehensively looked at the prohibition of warrantless searches, independence of the judiciary, application of the principle of presumption of innocence, and freedom of ideological education in terms of political freedom. As a result, China recorded the lowest score in the citizenship category among the countries surveyed.
Japan ranked last despite its high democracy score. This seems to reflect the social atmosphere that prefers strong male figures rather than the political environment. Among the countries surveyed, Japan scored highest in the category of masculinity. In addition, the traditional atmosphere that emphasizes kindness and regards emotional control as a virtue appears to have had an influence.
● Provide a place for the crying man.
However, even in countries where people cry a lot, the difference in tear index between women and men is quite large. Even in Brazil, which was surveyed as the country with the most crying, women cried much more and more often than men. This phenomenon occurred in all 37 countries.
This can be seen as an influence of ‘toxic masculinity’, which emphasizes strong men who suppress their emotions. The belief that ‘strong men don’t cry’ not only prevents one from crying, but also disapproves of other men crying.
Researchers at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands investigated how much people wanted to help crying people depending on their gender. As a result, female participants had similarly high rates of wanting to help the crying person, regardless of their gender. However, male participants responded that they would help a crying woman, but they responded that they would not help a crying man.
Another study looked at perceptions of men and women who cry at work, and found that men who cry at work are more incompetent, more emotional, and pay a harsher price than women who cry in the same situation. .
Of course, I do not recommend acting emotionally in a public place at work. However, it is possible that the harsh gaze that does not want to help a crying man and considers him even more incompetent has made it impossible for him to cry anywhere other than the workplace. The results of several studies showing that men improve their mood less after crying than women can be understood in this context. This is because you feel a great deal of shame and embarrassment after crying. There are more things to deal with than the relief you feel after shedding tears.
All of the research results introduced above show how important it is to have people around you who are crying. If people are more likely to belittle people who cry by calling them “whining” or “squeezing,” isn’t this a society in which freedom of expression is suppressed? The same goes for yourself. Let’s remember that tears are one of the many emotional expressions that are as natural as laughter. Rather than expending psychological energy suppressing emotions because crying might make you weak, wouldn’t it be better for you to cry coolly, shake off the negative emotions, and then get on with what you need to do?
Reporter Choi Go-ya best@donga.com
2024-03-25 06:08:34