At the same pace
Prins was not aware that he was doing himself violence in that way. The crazier it got, the better it got. At least, that’s what he thought. “In hindsight, I was at the time high of adrenaline and cortisol. That went well for a few years, until I started getting nasty health problems. Blackouts, intense headaches and other physical complaints such as dizziness, tingling fingers and intestinal discomfort, which came back more and more often.”
Initially, he did not see the complaints as a problem, so Prins continued at the same pace for at least another two years. Until things went horribly wrong one Saturday morning in 2012: “I was competing in a gaming tournament. Suddenly I had palpitations, followed by a huge panic. My body started shaking incessantly and I felt like I was collapsing. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t go on. My parents picked me up by car and I remember saying ‘Don’t tell anyone, I’ll be better on Monday’ Not knowing it would take me four years from then to get my life back on track get the ride.”
The cake was gone
The Monday after his panic attack, he went to work as if nothing had happened. He thought it would be okay, but after half an hour of meeting he burst into tears. “I then went home, only to never come back,” says Reinoud, who was diagnosed with burnout not much later. “The longer I sat at home, the worse it got. I was mentally and physically exhausted. That was terrible. I suddenly didn’t hear anything from my friends with whom I always went into town. I felt so lonely. I had anxiety disorders and went into suicidal depression.”
The days were long and gray. Prins thought of suicide several times. In order not to give in to his negative thoughts, he took antidepressants. Day in, day out he lived with fears. “I was afraid of losing everything. My job, marriage and dream house. Everything I had worked so hard for. I absolutely did not want that, so I tried to hold on to it with all my might. Only after four years I realized there was no point. The cake was gone.”
Reinoud quit his job, sold his house and divorced his wife. Those turned out to be the choices that set him free. “It was only after I let go that I realized that that was what I needed. I had fought too long and too much, which left me stuck. Nobody could help me at that time. I spoke to psychologists, psychiatrists, a haptonomist, osteopath and homeopath, tried medication, EMDR, mindfulness, hypnotherapy and acupuncture, but to no avail.”