Imagine that it was not you who made a mistake, but someone Vancheto or someone Ivan. That way you will be able to analyze more honestly
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You hate people who always find someone else or something else to blame. You are firmly convinced that you are not one of them. But are you still one of those who really manage to learn from your mistakes?
Most people settle for “wow” and don’t learn from their mistakes. They justify to themselves that it’s because they don’t have time. In fact the reason is that recognition by analysis affects the ego. It hurts your self-image as a competent and intelligent person. You prefer not to do it to yourself and do not delve into it. Even though you understand that you are missing out on benefits.
Then try to apply the advice of psychologists and to differentiate yourself from yourself.
All the while you remember think in third person. Do not for a moment allow yourself to get angry, sulk, blame yourself or feel sorry for yourself. Now is not the time to get emotional. Resist the urge to blame someone else, too. Right it’s not about you, you shouldn’t be looking for an alibi.
Reflect on the mistake, trying to answer in as much detail as possible why Vanya/Ivan failed. Yes, this is a “I’m thinking of you, daughter. Think, daughter-in-law” exercise.
It seems ridiculous to fool yourself, but experts say it works. One stops suffering, becomes more honest. Therefore, he is able to reach the causes and draw the necessary conclusions.
This technique is especially effective for a large error that can be called an outright failure. Then with a “wow” and a lightning rush to fix things, the opposite will happen – you will confuse them even more.
Well, you know there is no Vancheto/Ivan, it’s your own fault. But thinking as if the subject were someone else, it puts your ego to sleep and you are more objective.
The important thing is to be persistent and not give up until you really get to the causes and the conclusions.
Do not overdo it with anger, there is nothing constructive in it – neither as a lesson nor as a quick action to deal with the situation. Moreover, the very analysis of the reasons that failed Vancheto/Ivan reduces it.
“Analysis” means sober thinking, not emotion. But admit it hurts. Because pain is the reaction that will keep you from repeating the mistake.
“Pain is nature’s way of encouraging us to learn not to do something. When you suppress pain, you suppress learning. If you want to become wiser in the long run, you have to allow yourself to feel that pain. Don’t run from her, don’t dull her with any substances”, stress the psychologists.
However, the suffering is also less because you have already done the root cause analysis and thought about how to act to repair the damage.
There is also less shame, which causes many people to fail to learn from their mistakes. It is a particularly unpleasant feeling, eroding self-esteem. According to experts, it is mainly because of him that people tend to try to shift the blame to others and/or hide the shoots even from themselves. But when you are already aware of where you went wrong and how you will try to fix it, shame will not torment you.
You can also drive it away by telling your partner or friend what happened and what you intend to do. In this way, you will reinforce the lesson, and with the help of others, you have an even better chance to cope.
Psychologists claim that a person experiences shame not by keeping it to himself, but by admitting it to someone close to him. This makes it easier for him, especially if he receives sympathy and consolation for what he has done plus approval and support for his intentions.
According to experts, this trick of learning from mistakes is effective, if you do the steps exactly in this order.
If you first get angry, suffer, feel ashamed, and then sit back and think “but where did I go wrong”, your ego will really step in to protect your self-esteem. And you’ll miss out on the benefits. And so - with Vancheto/Ivan, you show mercy to yourselfthough you still walk the whole path of awareness.
And to make it easier to apply the trick – accept the thought that mistakes and failure are part of reality. They always catch up with you at some point, no matter how careful you are. And quite often they are not due to your shortcomings, but to a coincidence of circumstances.
“The question is not if you will fail, but when it will happen. The only real question you need to answer is what you can learn from this experience,” say personal development experts.
In “The Right Man” you can read more:
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Techniques to break out of the army of “competent quiets” and fearlessly self-promote
Perfectionism is a path to failure. Try hard not to overdo it
Lazy boss - overloaded subordinates, or the risks of limited management style
Interview between Time.news Editor and Dr. Elena Markov, Psychologist and Workplace Behavior Expert
Time.news Editor: Welcome, Dr. Markov! It’s great to have you here. Today, we’re diving into the psychology of mistakes and how they can lead to professional growth. From the insights of a recent article, there’s a notable idea regarding how we analyze our errors. Can you elaborate on the concept of thinking in the third person when it comes to self-reflection?
Dr. Elena Markov: Thank you for having me! Absolutely, this technique is quite fascinating. When we think about our mistakes as if they happened to someone else—like the hypothetical Vancheto or Ivan—it creates emotional distance. This allows us to analyze the situation more objectively. It’s a method of detaching our ego from the equation.
Editor: That makes sense. Many people struggle to confront their mistakes because of the emotional pain associated with self-blame. How does processing these feelings in this way help mitigate that pain?
Dr. Markov: That’s an important point. Emotional pain is often a barrier to effective learning. By reframing the situation, we prevent that initial emotional reaction which can cloud judgment—anger or shame over the mistake. Instead, we can focus on the analytical aspect without that immediate emotional response dictating our behaviors.
Editor: So, if someone learns to separate themselves from their mistakes, what steps should they take when reflecting on what went wrong?
Dr. Markov: Great question! First, they should identify and articulate the mistake clearly, as if telling someone else about “Ivan’s” error. Next, they would reflect on the underlying causes without assigning blame. This could involve asking questions like: “What led to this outcome?” and “What could Ivan have done differently?” Additionally, it’s essential to remain persistent in this exploration until they reach a deeper understanding.
Editor: It sounds like this approach not only clears the emotional fog but also encourages deeper insights. But what about the aftermath? How can someone effectively move past the shame that often accompanies failure?
Dr. Markov: Shame can be debilitating. However, once individuals recognize and accept their mistakes, they can start to alleviate that feeling. Sharing the mistake with a trusted colleague or friend can be beneficial. By vocalizing what happened and how they plan to rectify it, they reduce the shame’s hold and reinforce their commitment to learning.
Editor: That’s valuable advice. The article also mentions that pain can be quite an effective teacher. What role do you think experiencing discomfort plays in personal and professional growth?
Dr. Markov: Pain is indeed an important aspect of learning. It signals that something is wrong and compels us to analyze and avoid similar situations in the future. Embracing that discomfort can actually lead to much greater wisdom and resilience. When we suppress that pain—either through avoidance or distraction—we dismiss a pivotal learning opportunity.
Editor: I see. It’s all about using that discomfort constructively instead of allowing it to overwhelm us. For individuals who find it particularly hard to learn from mistakes, what quick strategies can you suggest?
Dr. Markov: To start, practicing self-compassion is crucial. Encouraging oneself to be as forgiving as they would be toward a friend can shift the narrative. Also, creating a habit of journaling mistakes and lessons learned can cement those insights. Lastly, setting regular reflections—maybe monthly—can cultivate a more proactive approach toward learning from errors.
Editor: Those are excellent strategies! Thank you, Dr. Markov, for sharing your insights on such an important topic. Understanding our mistakes and learning from them is a vital part of professional development, and your expertise sheds light on how we can all improve in this area.
Dr. Markov: Thank you for having me! I hope this encourages more individuals to embrace their mistakes as stepping stones to success rather than setbacks.