〈212〉 When your child’s achievement is disappointing
He was a child in the second year of middle school. The child said he felt like his parents no longer loved him. When I asked him why he felt that way, he said it was because his grades were dropping. After my grades dropped twice in a row, my mom and dad asked, “Why aren’t you working hard? “I’m really disappointed,” he said. Parents who used to smile brightly and hug children warmly when they got first place or got 100 points are now blowing a cold wind. The child said he was very sorry for disappointing his parents. However, I was distressed because I did not know how to work hard. He said he has never not worked hard until now.
![If a child says he worked hard, he worked hard.[오은영의 부모마음 아이마음]](https://dimg.donga.com/wps/NEWS/IMAGE/2024/10/13/130208523.1.jpg "If a child says he worked hard, he worked hard.[오은영의 부모마음 아이마음]")
There are quite a few parents who treat their children coldly when they do poorly on tests. It’s definitely a bit disappointing. ‘We’ve helped you a lot with your studies… ‘ This is the feeling. Rather than worry, you may feel slightly offended that your child has not been able to respond to the material and emotional support you have been providing. If parents had that kind of mindset, how much of a burden would it be on the child?
I told my child, “Even though you studied hard, you don’t have to feel sorry for your parents if you didn’t get a good grade as expected.” Also, “It’s not appropriate for your parents to be disappointed in you like that. Whether you come in 1st or 5th, you are you. Your parents’ love for you is always the same. If the attitude toward you changes depending on your score, that is something your parents need to reflect on. Parents don’t take away their love because of things like that. And even parents and adults are not mature in all aspects. “That doesn’t mean I don’t love you,” he explained.
If you are disappointed with your child’s grades and feel even a little offended, you should think about your expectations. Any parent or child wants to grow up healthy. But one day, the child caught a cold. When that happens, I don’t feel disappointed in my child. Catching a cold is not something a child should feel sorry for toward their parents. In some ways, parents’ expectations are not appropriate. You need to seriously consider whether your own resentment or burdens (conflicts) that you have not been able to resolve are included in those expectations.
If parents set high expectations for their children, they may develop the dangerous idea that they need to study well to be useful. If parents treat their children coldly because they failed a test, the child may feel that he or she is worthy of love only if he or she achieves what the parents expect. Isn’t it so sad? Children increasingly worry about what if they do poorly in their studies or what if they disappoint their parents when taking tests. You may be afraid that you will be scolded if you fail the test.
Parents who say they are disappointed in their child’s achievements often mention ‘hard work’ and ‘desperation’. It is true that humans must live hard. If you’re going to do something, it’s better to do it with sincerity. However, ‘hard work’ and ‘desperation’ have no form. Everyone agrees that you have to work hard, but the specific standards are different for each person. What parents think of as ‘hard work’ is ‘so solemn that if you don’t do it, you won’t be able to make a living.’ Therefore, it is considered that the person involved is trying a little ‘hard’ only if he or she is going through a lot of hardship and pain.
However, if the person studying says they worked harder than last time, it is true that they worked hard. If you say you sat a little longer or focused a little more, give it credit. Even if you work hard, the results may not be good. Saying, “If you’re going to do that, you should beat them all up” when a child fails to achieve the level of achievement that parents want, is a strong criticism, dismissal, or criticism. Children are in the process of learning. If you keep scolding your child based only on the results, your child will lose motivation and motivation to learn the intermediate steps.
Adult parents who have lived for 30 to 40 years criticize their children for not working hard based on the high standards of ‘hard work’ they have developed over those years. This does not take into account the intermediate process in which children are growing up.
There is no doubt that all of a parent’s actions are a sign of love and wanting the best for their child. However, like ‘hard work’, love is also formless. Because it has no form, when conveying it, it must be expressed so that love can be felt. The method must also be chosen carefully. If this is not taken into consideration, when the child becomes an adult, he or she will ask, “What are you doing right?” rather than the loving heart of the parents. You might just remember the saying, “If you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it.”
Oh Eun-young, psychiatry specialist and Oh Eun-young, director of the Pediatric and Adolescent Clinic
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