It was about a year ago, I received a call from a young man: “Please Mordechai, I’m at a serious crossroads in my life, I don’t know what to do!”.
And so he told me: “I’ve been married for several years. At the beginning of our journey together, everything was wonderful and good, good communication and a healthy relationship, we got along great with each other.
I will be Avrach Kolal and my wife has a business in the field of cosmetics, money was not really lacking either.
About two years ago I noticed that my wife started to change her wardrobe style, from a gentle and modest style, the trend slowly reversed, this is something I was not used to.
But I preferred to remain silent and not say a word, I thought to myself that maybe she was going through a difficult time, I tried to talk to her indirectly about whether something was bothering her, or something was difficult for her.
But she said that nothing bothers her, everything is fine and everything is in order. But I didn’t say a word to her about the clothing, which week by week became more and more immodest.
Until a situation came where I was simply really ashamed to walk with her on the street, so I no longer held back and asked her gently: ‘Tell me, my dear wife, has something happened recently? It kind of bothers me that you started dressing like that!’
And it was the first time my wife spoke to me in a disrespectful manner. ‘There are things you don’t need to interfere in my life, I will do what I think and how I understand.’
I was a little surprised by my wife’s reaction but I preferred to remain silent. I am by nature a quiet and quite moderate and calm person, so it is really hard to upset me.
I decided not to say a word about it anymore. Everything was fine and dandy when it was only about me, but when I started receiving peace demands from the Haider that my wife dresses in a not the most modest way, and if my wife doesn’t stop this our sons will be kicked out of the Haider, then I no longer had a choice and went to ask our rabbi, what and how to drive. He said to me: ‘You must present to your wife the fact that if she walks in an immodest manner, our children will be thrown out of Haidar.
She needs to know and understand the reality she is causing with her behavior.’
I approached my wife gently and told her what the rabbi told me, and to my astonishment my wife was angry like she had never been: ‘Let them be thrown! I do not care! I’m sick of! Let them do what they want.’
I went to consult with several other knowledgeable people in the field and again no one found a solution to my problem. There were also rabbis who told me you might threaten her with divorce.
So I’m turning to you as a last resort before I lose my sanity, I’m a sensitive and delicate person and I don’t know where this whole bag fell on me.
I love my wife very much and my wife is a good woman, surely something serious is happening to her and that’s why she behaves like this, of course I don’t forget the fact that she is a good mother to our children, loves them and does everything for them.”
I asked God from the bottom of my heart to give me the right idea of what to say to that Jew, and this is how I answered him: “In light of what you told me and I realized that many people have already intervened in this story.
I don’t have a miracle solution. But I have two things that I am sure if you do them then God will help and things will change for the better.
First of all, you should tell your wife every day and at least twice a day: ‘I will never leave you no matter what and what you do, I love you in any situation.’
You need to give your wife the feeling that you are not making any conditions with her. You love her in any situation and you were with her and will stay with her.
And the second thing you will do is the main thing and believe me it will help you the most.
“When did you pray seriously and consistently about what was going on with your wife?” I asked him.
“I get to pray from time to time when I’m broken by the whole situation,” he answered me.
“How many rabbis and counselors did you go to?” I asked.
“I went to at least 8 people and nothing helped,” he said.
“Exactly,” I answered, “really no one can help you, not even me, only God can help you. Believe me, praying to Him will help you more than a thousand counselors. Take ten minutes every day in which you ask God to bless you just for this and say Thus: ‘Father in heaven, have mercy on me, please have mercy on my wife, I went to so many people and no one was able to help me, only you can help me, please help me, give my wife a holy heart, Father, give my heart to love my wife, not to wake her up About this. Father, they want to throw my children away from Haider, Tate, help me. That’s how you say it in simple and true language. As a son speaks to his father.
Even if you don’t see a change in a day or two, be consistent, pray every day for ten minutes. A month, and I’m sure you’ll see a change.
And of course you will continue to tell your wife every day how much you love her and how much you promise her that you will never leave her under any circumstances.”
“But the children, what will happen to them?” He asked. “What will happen to the Hyder? No one has a solution for this, they will be thrown!”
“God has solutions for everything,” I told him.
As the same sheep suddenly called, he disappeared and did not come back to tell what was happening with his wife and children.
Some time ago I received a phone call, it was the same Ivar. “Mordechai, I wanted to thank you. You saved my married life, you saved my children.”
And this is how he said: “Listen, after the conversation with you I was sorely disappointed. I thought you would give me some idea, something bombastic, and in the end all you said was: tell your wife some saying every day, and pray. But I wanted nothing.
So I continued to go to two more rabbis who told me to give her an ultimatum: either you go back to yourself or we go to court.
But I couldn’t mentally say such a thing to my wife and then I decided to do what you said. I began to tell my wife that I promise her that I will never leave her and I will always stay by her side in any situation, and I began to pray every day especially about this thing. I would get up early in the morning and literally cry every day for half an hour to God: ‘Please God help me, no one can but you. Please have mercy on my wife’, and so every day.
A month and a half doesn’t pass and now I see that my wife is slowly starting to dress the way she used to before, truly a wonder of wonders.
It was late one night my wife said to me: ‘I have something to talk to you about.’ I sat with her on the couch in the living room and then she started crying and crying, thanks to you – she mumbled between tears – I came back to myself. Then she calmed down a little and started telling me what happened to her.
I met one sympathetic and interesting woman and after a short period we became really good friends. One day she revealed her closed heart to me and began to tell me about questions she had in matters of faith and thus began to undermine my faith.
The more she delved into the matter – and I really didn’t have that many answers, and they already said that where reason ends, faith begins – the venom began to seep into my mind and especially into my soul.
I got to such a situation that most of the questions that started with me made me want to run away from everything and therefore I started to underestimate modesty.
At the beginning you fought with me a little on the subject, it only made me do the complete opposite.
Even so, I was broken from myself, I was afraid to tell you what was going on with me, I was afraid that you would tell me that I was crazy.
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Then suddenly you started telling me every day that you will never leave me, that in itself already softened my soul to want to do your will.
There was one morning when I just happened to see you sitting and crying because of me and the situation, it caused me such a strong awakening that I suddenly got answers to all my questions.
I also went to a rabbi who sorted out all my questions in my head.
And here it is, God willing. God saved me.
Emotional therapist Mordechai Roth (credit: Reuven Hayon)
There are many times people who come to all kinds of situations in their life that no matter how they try they can’t find a solution, they try to activate connections, money, and nothing helps. Then suddenly they remember that there is a father who does everything, he is the creator and leader of all creatures and he did and does and will do all the actions I turn to him, and he will surely help me.
Shabbat Shalom to all the dear people of Israel.
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